The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure by William Goldman

Listen, it's not my fault. My history with The Princess Bride is composed of  a couple decades worth of WUUUUUUUV, TWUUUU WUUUUUV! and I never realized that there was an actual novel that went with the movie. I mean, obviously Fred Savage's grandpa read him the book in the movie, but I thought that was just a prop. I mean, I've spent more hours in bookstores than any sane person and I'd have noticed the thing at some point, right?

I mean, it's inconceivable that I could possibly not know about a The Princess Bride book if it existed. There was no chance that could get stuck in the Fire Swamp of ignorance of the existence that it would take to not know that there was a novel. Seriously, you couldn't have stopped me from getting one if I had known about it. I'd have all kinds of fun storming that castle. At least until a rodent of unusual size got to my bookshelf and ate my copy. Even then, I bet I could get my boy Miracle Max to bring my copy back to life so I could read it again.

And all of that makes sense until you realize that there actually was such a book and I didn't know about it. At that point I was all just like...

"My name is Jimbo McCoy. You killed my delusion. Prepare to buy!" Forunately for me, e-books aren't all that expensive and I won't need a wheelbarrow to carry it in.

Oh wait, you wanted an actual review and not just me acting like a bigger geek than normal?

As you wish.

Or not.

Suck it up, Buttercup.

Dude, put down the six-fingered sword and the iocaine powder. I'm getting there. I promise.

Although, all trash talk aside, it does occur to me that it has been far too long since I've watched the movie with my daughters, but I digress. 

Dude, reading this review must be like climbing the Cliffs of Insanity. 

Please don't go all Dread Pirate Roberts on me. I wouldn't like it if you mostly likely killed me in the morning.

Alright, alright. I'll say something meaningful about the book.

Dude...

The Princess Bride is the most meta book in the history of ever. There is so much here that got left out of the movie because it wouldn't fit, but like "Morgenstern" must have been the worst author in the history of ever. He mentioned a bunch of crap about the history of Guilder and Florin that would totally not work in an actual novel and Goldman is really snarky about it.

I mean, I know I'm putting on airs here and I haven't really earned the right to say this, but parts of The Princess Bride read like a review from Jimbo's Awesome SF/F Reviews. Seriously. Goldman has a similar whacky and zany sense of humor. Reading endless pages about the history of women's hats would suck, but reading Goldman's complaints about those pages is pure comedy gold. 

There is a lot more about Inigo Montoya's childhood and his relationship with his father in the book than there was in the movie. This is a good thing. The whole revenge angle takes on so much more importance when we know how close he was to his father, why his father was killed, and how humiliated Montoya was by his fathers murderer. This was good stuff that would have made the movie even better if they could have found a way to work it in. 

The Narrator of the novel, supposedly Goldman himself, is a source of great entertainment as well. The story goes that his father read the book to him as a kid and left lots of it out. That's where a lot of the meta stuff comes in. Now the Narrator wants his son to read the book and can't figure out why he won't. Then the Narrator picks the book up and finds out how bad it was..

Yeah, it doesn't sound like the kind of thing you'd want to re-write honestly, but he does and it's amazing. This strikes a chord with me personally because it reminds me a lot of the struggles I've had to get my kids to read the stuff I loved as a kid. I can't even get my oldest to read the stuff I love NOW and it can be a bit of a challenge to deal with mentally. It would be so awesome if they would, but..

Yeah.

Long story (overly) long this is the type of situation that I can identify with and I'm guessing a lot of you can as well.

Of course, all of our favorite characters are there; Westley, Buttercup, Fezzik, Inigo Montoya, Vizzini, etc. Not all of the lines were translated straight from the book though, and it's one of those things where you can end up disappointed not because something isn't entertaining, but because it's not quite the way you remembered it. That much is, I guess, inevitable as the movie writer, actor/actress, director and some other person that I forgot about probably all had a hand in rewriting the dialogue for the movie. It doesn't ruin it, but it is a little different and that took some getting used to. 

One suggestion I'm going to make is to skip the introductions to both the Thirtieth and Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Editions. They don't add a whole lot to the experience and they took a lot of time to get through. I was really surprised by this because I thought I was going to get something really awesome with these, but not so much. I've been more disappointed in my life, obviously, but I kind of wish I could have that time back.

Still and all I’m glad I read The Princess Bride. It was a lot of fun exploring something I had loved for a long time in a totally different setting. This was an experience I won't forget. That sounds weird, but it's true. If you haven't read the book, and especially if you're just finding out that it actually exists, I'd recommend reading it.

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Boring Intros

Kimber Grey's The Chosen One's Assistant: Never Meet Your Heroes

Before I even get started reviewing Kimber Grey's The Chosen One's Assistant: Never Meet Your Heroes, I would like to point out that, not only was it based on Mikey Mason's  (Not Quite) The Chosen One. His music is epic and I highly recommend listening to it either on Spotify or Bandcamp. I loved the track the first time I heard it and I love it still. 

The Chosen One's Assistant is every bit as good as the song except better. There is a lot here and that makes it more fun. As opposed to five minutes of music we get over three hundred pages of story. And it's a lot more of a developed story in the book. There's just more time for it. 

And time is something that Tiberius (that's our main character) and The Chosen One (Who has no name. He's just The Chosen One.) don't have as something seems to have gone wrong and is causing the appearance of vampire stoats in an few days away and we're not sure where they're coming from but this can't be good and we need to put a stop to this...

And Tiberius, who has only been Tiberius for a short while (his gave up his old name when he signed on to be the Chosen One's Assistant. Now he is Tiberius like all of the other assistants before him and all of the ones who will come after.) and he's still learning. And listen, there's a lot to this whole Tiberius thing. He's got to handle all of the chores and all of the healing, meet with people, pray a lot...

And there's no training period. He just has to learn everything all at once. With no real help, since the Chosen One is rather self centered and apparently not overly fond of breaking in a new Tiberius every two years. There is a bit of hostility there. 

It's awesome though, because it makes sense. There is a bit of drill sergeant to The Chosen One who doesn't always have time to screw around explaining things. He's a man of action. He kills things for a living. He makes good money doing it, as does Tiberius, but there is a lot to it.

Tiberius has a lot to do outside of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. He's the one that's in charge of anything academic. He has to research the route to travel, research the threat once they get there, etc. He also has to meet with the townspeople to coordinate the big party when they get there and to figure out where to stay and whatever else. Tiberius works harder than I do and that's saying something. I respect this character. 

I respect the Chosen One too because, although he can be a bit arrogant at times, he is a true hero and he cares. He doesn't just face down threats for the glory or the loot. He does it to protect the people he serves. He does it because he is indeed the Chosen One and it is his duty.

He's also a goofball. There is some serious humor in this book and it comes from the Chosen One more or less wimping out. This is where the book is the most like the song, which was a comedy tune about how badly life sucked for the Chosen One's Assistant (he's not referred to as Tiberius in the song.) There's nothing here that you would have to read the book to get per se, but if you've listened to the song a few times (like I told you to earlier) then it goes from hilariously funny to "Oops, I think I dislocated a rib laughing at that one. Bonus points if you listen to the song after you read the book and realize all the stuff you missed the first time and start laughing all over again. 

The Chosen One is also a man of faith. Now, it's not a real world religion. Grey created a fantasy pantheon which she has done a fairly decent job of fleshing out and assigning roles to. There aren't a whole lot of interactions directly with gods, but I like what I see so far. I wouldn't mind seeing more about both the gods and their servants, but there are more books coming, so I guess I'll have to wait. 

But it's the actual exploration of faith in the book that has me hooked. Pretty much every fantasy universe has its pantheon. Most even have clerics or paladins. Very few (The Chosen One's Assistant and R.A. Salvatore's The Cleric Quintet are all that come to mind in High Fantasy. Declan Finn's St Tommy NYPD series is an urban fantasy that shows faith as well but that's about all that I've got in the world of Science Fiction and Fantasy literature.) that actually show acts of faith. Not just praying, but believing and trusting in the god you serve to see you through whatever it is that you're going through. There is strength in faith in the real world and for the Chosen One. Tiberius is working on his. I love the Chosen One's belief and his act of sharing it with others. That's not to say that this is a preachy book. It merely shows the champion and his faith and how he shares it with others to encourage them. Major Kira would be proud. 

There are some really awesome action sequences in the book, too. Tiberius isn't really up to snuff with all of this hand to hand combat stuff, but he's got balls. Big brass ones. I don't think I'd want to go into combat armed with the level of knowledge Tiberius has. I mean, it's good to have a dagger but it's better if you know how to use it properly. The Chosen One is, of course, a badass. Except when he's not. Nice foot guy. But, for the most part, the Chosen One can deliver a beatdown like few others. 

Grey's worldbuilding is first rate as well. She's got a good grasp of what is needed to make a fantasy town work and how trails worked in the Medieval world. She throws in just enough gut wrenching awful to make the totally awesome work even better and I like that about her. This is the first of her books that I've read, but it won't be the last. 

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Cramped Toes

The Chosen One's Assistant
Kimber Grey
Greywhisper Graphics Productions, 2022

The Chosen One's Assistant is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon, I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

The Chosen One's Assistant

Message for the Devil: A King Roger V Adventure by Jason McDonald and Stormy McDonald

King Roger is back and he's up to his armpits in trouble. There's a lot going on in the city of Charleston, South Carolina is in danger. People are dying hideously. Who did it? I didn't know. You still don't. In Message for the Devil by Jason and Stormy McDonald the police think it might be Roger himself. We'd never believe that though would we?

Part of the problem is with Roger. He grew up in a mystical land on the planet Gaia, sister to Earth, where magic is plentiful and customs are closer to Medieval European than they are to modern American. This creates some problems for our hero as he does not always know the right way to handle things. At one point it becomes obvious that he doesn't even know how to count change.  In some cases, I enjoyed that face immensely, because he acts more like a Player Character in a Dungeons & Dragons game than a modern American, but it makes sense in context. 

The story itself is a mystery. Roger has been hired to find a ghost, but it's not just any ghost. Nope. That would be too easy. It has to be the ghost of a convicted murderess who was executed. Rumor has it that she said some nasty things at her own execution...

Yeah, it gets ugly quickly. This may have escaped your notice up to this point, but vengeful spirits tend not to be very nice people. Sometimes they can get downright...

Vengeful

Okay, that was terrible, but you get the point.

Hence the whole "dying hideously" that I mentioned earlier. Of course, it gets worse because Roger isn't exactly the most popular guy with the local police and they don't really understand some of his methods. I mean, do you know what a rust potion is? Do you think the police would? Think about it. I wouldn't and I'm a fantasy fan.

In a lot of ways, Message for the Devil feels like an early Dresden novel. The hero uses magic, even if Roger doesn't have the raw power that Harry does. There's a mystery. There's a supporting cast of characters that includes the police. There's even a human skull, although Roger doesn't name his skull "Bob." I've always had the feeling that Harry Dresden felt a bit out of place and Roger is certainly out of place.  Both heroes have problems with using technology, even if they manifest themselves differently. The McDonalds' world is probably about as well developed as Butcher's was after two or three books as well. (And yes, that means that the McDonalds haven't managed as much worldbuilding in two books as Butcher has managed in eight million. They'll get there. Just 7,999,998 books to go.)

There's a lot of action in Message for the Devil, too. This is not the Hardy Boys by any stretch of the imagination. Roger is a big fan of bladed weapons and the police, of course, have guns. There is plenty of fighting and running and hiding to keep things lively. This is one of those areas where Roger clearly doesn't not understand the customs and laws of the United States and has a chance to get himself into some very real - and very serious - trouble. He somehow manages to get out of it, at least for the most part. Sort of. Read the book.

That's not to say that all there is to Message for the Devil is all action. This isn't a Michael Bay flick and there is no lens flare. 

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Listen, I'm not sure how you would do lens flare in a book either, but I'm fairly certain that Bay would find a way to do it. Just don't pay attention to the fact that it doesn't make sense and you'll get it.

There is some fairly serious research taking place in order to solve the mystery. Speaking as a guy who has spent his time at libraries pouring over microfilm, the research in Message for the Devil makes sense. It reads like it was written by someone who has done some real research, for the simple reason that the characters in the book are smart enough to find the right place to go to and talk to someone who knows the story and where to find the information they need. This isn't a case of some rando jumping on the internet and solving a two hundred year old mystery in five seconds using Google. There's some real work involved here. I like that. The McDonalds some how manage to keep these parts from dragging out too long as well, so props to them.

There's some personal drama here as well. King Roger abandons his chance to return to his kingdom at the end of Thief on King Street. He did so for the love of a woman that he had just met. Yes, that is a cliche but it's used so often because it works. So while all of the insanity is going on, with murders and police problems and hauntings and...

You get the idea.

...Roger has to get to know the woman that he stayed for and figure out how things work with her. And, quite frankly, IF they work with her. It's not that she's disloyal, or that he is, but we've all been there. Making things work with a new person is never easy. He's a good dude and makes his way through it, but it's not as easy as perhaps he'd like it to be. I'm okay with it though. Easy stuff doesn't make a good story. 

Message for the Devil is, as mentioned previously, a sequel. While I certainly do recommend reading the first book, you should be able to enjoy this work either way. There is enough here to move the story along independently and what callbacks there are to the previous story are brief and well enough explained so that you won't feel lost. All in all, this is a story worth reading.

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Golden Coins

Message for the Devil: A King Roger V Adventure
Jason McDonald and Stormy McDonald
Parlatheas Press, 2024

Message for the Devil: A King Roger V Adventure is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you. 

Message for the Devil

Great Lakes Comic Con After Action Report

 Did you ever have that feeling? You know the whole thing where something happens and you think to yourself, "I should have done this much sooner?" I was thinking the same thing yesterday when I got home from Great Lakes Comic Con in Warren, Michigan yesterday because, while it wasn't my first con (or even my first GLCC) and it wasn't my daughter Riley's first comic con, it was the first time we went to one together. I had a great time. He we both are with Ecto 1. 

Great Lakes Comic Con takes place four miles north of Detroit and I'm also a huge Ghostbusters fan, so there was really no choice. I had to take a picture with the Ghostbusters car. Oh, and did I mention Ghostbusters?

These guys were a lot of fun. They even gave me a poster for the movie. It's only four weeks away.Who else is excited? 

Of course I was there as a member of The Royal Manticoran Navy: The Official Honor Harrington Fan Association. We're a good group of people and we read lots of good books. Check us out!

Seriously, David Weber is an amazingly awesome author and the Honor Harrington books are his best work. As a personal favor, just because I like you, I'll let you know that you can download the first two books here: On Basilisk Station and The Honor of the Queen.  They're awesome books and I'm guessing you agree with my taste in books, so seriously, get them. Read them. Blame me when you buy the whole freaking series. I'm a big boy. I can take it.

Of course there was a ton of stuff to see and buy. That's a comic con standard. There were stands everywhere. Prices varied. I saw boxes of comics at fifty cents per book, classic comics at hundreds of dollars and like a billion different pieces of awesome art. That's standard at any comic con too and a lot of it was awesome. I didn't have the budget to buy all of the stuff I wanted and neither did any ten of the people you know, but if you can't go to a comic con and not just enjoy being around all the cool stuff you need to turn in your geek card and stop watching Firefly. You obviously no longer aim to misbehave. 

I've been a fan of GI Joe since his days as A Real American Hero back in the early 80s. I collected the comics and the toys as a kid and I still have a copy of the Sunbow movie from 1987. So when I walked in and saw The Finest (that's the GI Joe Cosplay society) there I had to get a pick, Those guys are awesome and they put a ton of work into their costumes. It was a real treat. Props to Central Command: The Fighting Fifth. You're a bunch of good guys.

Thank God for the Fridge. I was surrounded by snakes! And, if you spent any time at Hisstank back in the day, then you know old thatjimboguy was a loyal Joe. We kicked some serious tail in the GI Joe vs Cobra game on that site. I miss that game sometimes.

Speaking of serious cosplay, the TRMN booth was located right next to the booth of the 501st Legion. These guys set the standard for serious cosplay. Some of their members appeared in Attack of the Clones in the stormtrooper armor they had made to get into the club. I was impressed. They make some cool props, too.

Good times! I love these guys and I just noticed that I got the Han Solo in carbonite in the background. Seriously, when you're looking for good cosplay done right, look for the 501st. It's always a real treat to get a chance to meet some of these guys and it was super cool that our table was so close to ours. 

Of course, in the TRMN, we consider all cosplay/fan societies to be allies in the fight against...

Uhh...

Anyway, they're allies. And so I'm glad I got a chance to show them all a little love. Cosplayers are almost invariably kind and fun to be around. If you're ever at an event and you want to walk up to someone in cosplay, I recommend doing so. I've never had one say no to a picture and I've shaken the hands of quite a few. Of course, it's considered polite to start the conversation with, "Awesome cosplay! I love (insert character here)!" People like to be recognized for the hard work that goes into making these costumes. So let them know you appreciate what they did. You'll both feel good when you do it.

There were a butt-load of celebrities but I didn't get pics with any of them for budgetary reasons. It kinda sucks that I didn't get a chance to get an autograph from Eric Bischoff or Jason Moore and Noah Sult because I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles guy, but it's all good. It's not the con's fault. It's nothing the celebrities did. It is what it is. Hopefully I'll get a promotion and have more money next year. And don't get me wrong. There were lots of other celebrities there. The celebrities I mentioned were just the one I was really excited about.

I played some D&D with my kid as well. There was a little group in the corner running introductory adventures. It wasn't my first adventure or Riley's but it was a good time. And, having only played in homebrew universes, it was nice to finally get to take a trip to Baldur's Gate. I know the place. I've read the books, but it was my first time there at a gaming table. The DM was a good guy whose name I don't remember and he did his best to get everyone involved. It was cool. 

The TMNT panel was at the same time as I was playing D&D so that was kinda rough, but we've all been there, right?

Of course, part of the fun of any con is getting pics with some of your favorite cosplayers that aren't really part of any cosplay organization, so here are a few of those.

Don't ask me why my hat is always crooked. I don't do that on purpose. 

The price was right, too. It was only twenty dollars for an all day pass. The food was about what you'd expect from a college expo center (the con was on the campus of Macomb Community College. I'm an alum, so that part was cool, too.) The prices were decent, too. I got dinner for myself and my kid for less than it probably would have cost me to go to McDonalds and we both got personal pizzas and a twenty ounce bottle of pop. So that part was cool.

All in all, it was a fun day and I can't wait to head back. I also managed to snag myself an autographed book, a comic from and indy comic maker and a Ghostbusters poster, so that part was good. I mean, it's not humanly possible to go to one of these and not buy SOMETHING. I can't wait to go back next year. Hopefully I can get Riley to come. She'll be in college by then, so we'll see how that goes but I plan to be there regardless.

A. Trae McMaken's Dwarves of Ice Cloak, Books 1-4

(Author's note: The author of this review loves dwarves. The author of this review wishes he was a dwarf. The author of this review writes his own dwarf based fiction. You will see the words, dwarf, dwarves and dwarven a lot, although I think I only used the word Dwarfdom once. For that you should be thankful. Unless you love dwarves like I love dwarves in which case I'm sorry I didn't up the dwarfness. For those of you bothered by this phonemon, I have the following to say. "DWARF UP AND READ THE REVIEW!!")

I have, in the past, been told that epic fantasy stories can only take place in worlds with high magic. I don't think I've ever believed that, but I've always seen it as a wee bit of a challenge to refute. That is the case no longer. A. Trae McMaken's The Dwarves of Ice Cloak, a four book series, puts that argument to rest. This is fantasy as epic as I've ever seen. It's got dwarves. It's got trolls. (and not the internet kind) it's got a dragon at one point. And no dwarf story is complete with goblins as an enemy, even if the author decides to use the dwarven word for the instead. I'm perfectly good with seeing an ursi get a spear to the chest. I mean, it's less typing for the same effect, right?

Good stuff, that.

But that's not what makes The Dwarves of Ice Cloak epic. Reading McMaken's series is almost like taking a history survey course (IE American History 1877- present or Japanese history since the Meiji Restoration) only it's taught using memoirs of the most important people during the time period. Imagine taking American History by reading four books: One about Washington, one about Lincoln, one about Reagan and one about like, Biden or probably someone later but I don't have anyone later to mention. (Oh, and for the record I have a BA in History and love reading that, too)

This analogy stuff, it's difficult okay. And yeah, it's actually a simile because I used like but whatever.

Listen, this is epic fantasy at its finest. The first book, The Crippled King starts out with one lone, poor, dwarven prospector on his own. During the series (of only four books) we see the rise and fall of a proud dwarven kingdom and a potential resurgence. A lonely mining claim becomes the capital of all Dwarfdom. It fights battles. It increases in size and wealth internally. It becomes someplace worth living and a capital worth having.

And the Ice Cloak dwarves are the dwarfiest dwarves that ever dwarfed. They work hard. They fight hard. They live underground for the most part, but have the inevitable surface dwarves that do the boring stuff like farming and husbandry and also the exciting things like scouting and ursi-slaying. But their miners mine, their crafters craft and dwarf-wifs and maids can craft just as well as the men with none of the factial hair. 

The Dwarven society presented in the books works is amazingly well crafted. I'm guessing that McMaken has done some studying in anthropology in his time. I'm also guessing that there is a huge pile, possibly digital, of notes that McMaken made to be able to keep everything consistent. Ice Cloak is home to a living, breathing group of people whose lives change over time. I got a sense of a grand history while reading these, but it's still undeveloped in most cases. A lot of the time when I started a new book I was wondering how we got here. I had to do a lot of the imagining myself and I like that because it's an excuse to write my own story. I just can't use the words "Ice Cloak." I'd even like to think I could do these concepts justice but we'll see.

As I alluded to above, there is a huge time gap between stories and the characters from one don't really carry over to the next. This kind of threw me when I first picked up Book Two, The Mouth of Fire. None of the dwarves I expected to see were there. It took me a bit to get into Mouth because of that but once I did I was off and running. For Book Three, The Second Gate and Book Four, Bones of Stone I didn't get that effect because I expected it. 

And that's probably another one of the strengths of The Dwarves of Ice Cloak. Although I recommend reading the books in order and all together, this is the kind of series where it wouldn't be at all hard to read the books individually or even pick up one of the later books by itself if you wanted to. There are occasional references that people who have read the prior books will enjoy and can hearken back to but they're not overly long nor are they all that important to understanding the story. They're basically just there as incredibly obvious Easter eggs.

None of the books end on what I would consider to be a true cliffhanger, but all of them end up somewhat unresolved. The reader is left to fill in the rest of the stories themselves and even reading what comes after (in the case of the first three books) doesn't fill in many of the details. I'm reminded, in a way, of the Dragonlance Chronicles, and how they skipped important parts of the story but then, the DC are much closer together in time. The gap between books is literally centuries. They still tie together nicely, but you don't have to know every word that has come before to enjoy the book in your hand right now. 

I'm sad to say that there doesn't seem to be a sequel to Bones of Stone. I feel like there was plenty of room to continue the story and that it hasn't happened. I'll be looking for it though, and I'll be following McMaken. He's got some other stuff out there and most of it appears to be fantasy, I'm sure to pick up another McMaken book sometime soon.

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Living Steel Mining Picks

The Crippled King
The Mouth of Fire
The Second Gate
Bones of Stone
A. Trae McMaken
Lost Pathway Books, 2022-2023

Travis Baldree's Bookshops and Bonedust

 

It's time, once again, for a relaxing ride down Fantasy Lane with Travis Baldree. He refers to his latest release as Bookshops and Bonedust  and, I have to say, it's a worthy prequel to his previous work, Legends and Lattes. In this latest release, our heroine, Viv the orc, is forced to take some time off to rehab a leg injury and comes across a new friend who owns (you guessed it) a bookshop.

The Viv of Bookshops and Bonedust is much younger and more action motivated than the older, retired (from the adventuring life at least) Viv of the original novel. She gets her wound in combat because she won't listen and stay where she's supposed to. She gets out too far out in front and gets herself surrounded because she won't listen to older, wiser people who have been there before. I like that though, because that's pretty much the standard text-book definition of "young orc." This is a Viv who still craves battle and loves the adrenaline rush that comes with it. I can still see enough of the Viv I know and love to recognize her, but she reminds me a little too much of me when I was a teenager and used to speed around the outside of the mall so I could hit the hill by the bank and catch air. (Thankfully, my mom doesn't read my blog so I'm safe revealing that here.)

This time, instead of former comrades looking for treasure, Viv's crew has a new target, a necromancer. The astute reader may believe that the "bonedust" reference comes from there, but I'll never tell.

Anyway...

Baldree knows his shtick and he knows his audience. Bookshops and Bonedust is nowhere near a carbon copy of Legends and Lattes, but it does contain a whole bunch of what made the first book a success; a relatable main character, a business to be built back from basically nothing and a supporting cast of stars with just enough of an outside threat to spice things up  a bit. The type of business he uses this time just adds to the fun.

I don't care who you are or what you looking like, there are three types of readers in the world; the type who wants to own a bookshop, the kind who wants to be a librarian and the undecideds who want both (for the record, I'm number three) and Baldree taps into that desire here. Viv doesn't actually own the bookshop in question but she gets to spend the day there helping out and reading for free. It sounds like a good life to me.

If you've read the first one (and if you haven't your wrong. Hie thee off to Amazon and pick up your copy.) then you know that the central problem of the story is Viv and her attempt to open a coffee shop in a town that has never heard of coffee. She shows a surprising level of business skills for a person who had led an adventurer's life before opening her place. I hadn't thought about that before, but Bookshops and Bonedust is where she learns those business skills, slowly and by guessing mainly. 

Fern, the owner of Thistleburr Booksellers (and why does the word Thistleburr remind me of Drangonlance character Tasslehoff? I mean, other than that he'd definitely have "borrowed" some books from there.)  is not doing as well as she might wish she was and Viv finds ways to help her out. It's a lot of fun, but it also lays the basis for what comes later the way a proper sequel should. Bookshops and Bonedust also reveals why Viv was in such a hurry to get pastries set up in her coffee shop later. I like that part.

There is a hint of a romance angle here, but it's a pretty relaxed one. When I think of romance literature I think of smut and there is none of that here. It's enough to make one's mind wander, but it's subtle enough that I would have absolutely no problem recommending Bookshops and Bonedust to my twelve year old daughter. Seriously, what's there is there but it fits with the relaxing theme of the book. 

Being a cozy fantasy, there's not a whole lot of violence. That's not the point. Don't get me wrong. I've been known to read Warhammer novels. I don't have a problem with mass battles and extreme violence but this isn't that kind of book. There is, however, a bit. The story starts with the fight where Viv gets her wound and there is a bit of a dust up at the end of the book. It's well done and easy to follow but Baldree keeps things where they belong and manages to keep the feeling of this thing cozy regardless of what little bits of fighting jump out at you.

The majority of Bookshops and Bonedust is set in the town of Murk and it kind of feels like a cool little port town. You know, it's that one town you wish you had homebrewed for your Dungeons & Dragons campaign and didn't. It feels just right with the docks, and the inn and all of the other little businesses thrown in, right down to the pain in the butt town watch captain. (And, trust me, every town needs one of those, either to drag your players into a fight they don't want to defend the town or to be a thorn in their backside when they're just trying to mind their own business and buy some spell components.) Honestly, given the fact that Hasbro/Wizards allows others to profit by releasing D&D related content, I could see a module featuring Murk as its setting bringing in some decent loot. Seriously, if Baldree ever decides to start a D&D podcast set in one of his towns I'd love a chance to run a character there. I'm just sayin'...

The one thing I was hoping for and didn't get was Viv's first drink of coffee. Granted, it's not the town where Viv ordered her coffee from in the first book (the name of which I'm drawing a blank on, but it was a gnomish town that doesn't get much screentime but feels like it would be a lot of fun) but it still would have been nice to see our friendly neighborhood coffee fiend with fangs take her first sip.

I don't want to spoil too much, but there is something that happens in the book which leads me to believe there will be a sequel. I can't wait to read it, if so. If not, I'm going to go into my bedroom and pout and suck on my thumb. I might even chew the nail a bit. So, anyway, here's hoping.

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Satchels

Bookshops and Bonedust
Travis Baldree
Tor, 2023

Bookshops and Bonedust is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon, I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Bookshops and Bonedust

Disgardium Books Two Through Twelve by Dan Sugralinov

It's no longer very often I get carried away in a series and just can't put it down. I've gotten a bit jaded in my old age and being a book reviewer I try to skip around between authors and end up not coming back to a series I swore I was going to finish because not it's eight authors later and I've got a ninth to read and well...

You get the idea.

The fact remains that I love to get swept away by a series. I just spent an entire month reading Dan Sugralinov's Disgardium series. I loved every minute of it and I will get back into this one when the next books come out this su...

This s...

Thi...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR!!!!

I thought that this was a twelve book series. It's supposed to be a twelve book series. It said it was a twelve book series. It almost is a twelve book series. But...

But...

Book Twelve, appropriately titled Unity, got too long and it got split into three parts and now I have to wait till this summer for parts thirteen and fourteen. I'm gonna freak out here. I can't wait that long to find out how this thing ends.

I mean, it's not like it's my first time here. I've been following David Weber's Honorverse since the reign of Bush the Younger and I've had some fairly significant waits there. Don't get me started on how long I had to wait for the end of Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children or what I had to say about the last book afterward. But dude...

I thought this thing was going to end at twelve. I was prepared for the big denouement and it didn't come. I feel like I just went on the most awesomest date in the history of ever, go the girl to her front door, leaned in for a kiss and she was like, "Totes wanna kiss you but I gotta pee. Hang out here for a sec." and then took off and left me holding her purse.  I mean, I know she'll be back but the suspense is killing me.

I reviewed the first book, Class A Threat, here.  An awful lot has happened since then and most of it is only good in the sense of how entertaining it is. The main character, Alex Sheppard AKA Scyth - his character in the Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game known as Disgardium, is one tough kid. And yes, I do mean kid. He starts the story as a fourteen year old and by the end of the twelfth book is only sixteen. At that age though, Alex is hardcore.

He does battle against everyone and everything in the game world of Disgardium and that's a game where the players have in game pain transferred into their real life bodies. He also faces massive challenges in the real world both from people who wish him harm and from those who wish to bribe him. He's an honest man though, and he manages to not fall by the wayside. I like this kid. He could date my daughters. Well, maybe my oldest. My youngest is only twelve so she's still a bit young.

Alex, as the name of the first book Class A Threat implies is a Threat in the game of Disgardium, meaning that he has a highly imbalanced power that can change the whole game. How that works/what it means in precise terms is a spoiler. Go read the books if you want to know. What it also means is that he has to hide his status to protect himself from others in the game who would kill his character in order to collect a bounty. It also endangers him in real life, as players and the Snowstorm, the creators of the game, can control his character and how he uses his powers if they can control him.

Alex is not, however, afraid to use his abilities as a Threat to treat himself to acquire some benefits in the game. He gains levels - a measure of how powerful his character is- at a breakneck pace. He brings in unbelievable amounts of in game money (gold) in the process and that's a big deal. In Sugralinov's world, anyone who has reached the age of majority (sixteen) and passed their citizenship exams can take their gold out of the game and covert it to phoenixes - real world money - and some get extremely rich in the process. With Alex's in game wealth, he can do exactly that IF he takes and passes his citizenship exams. 

And I'm not going to tell you if he did or how it went if so. Read the books.

Alex also manages to use his in game wealth to hire a bunch of non-citizens to work for him in-game. Most of them are of legal age and can cash out a small amount of their gold monthly. For most of them, Disgardium is their only source of income. Alex does right by these people and does his best to take care of them both in and out of the game. He takes on more responsibility at the age of sixteen than most people do in their entire lives and he thrives while doing it. Of course, this causes problems in the real world as well. Not everyone can be trusted and not everyone who sells him out means him ill. The world is a big, confusing place for me at forty-seven and this is a kid with the weight of the world on his shoulders. The fact that he can keep moving forward says a lot about him as a person. The fact that I can keep reading and so easily suspend disbelief says a lot about Sugralinov as an author. 

The worldbuilding here is impressive and leaves me a bit confused about Sugralinov's politics. There is enough here to anger members of both parties in the United States, but that's part of what makes it good. I slide back and forth with my reactions to what his characters think and do but they are always believable. Sugralinov appears to be a political writer with his own agenda and no one else's. Also, he doesn't harp on the politics for the most part. 

The action sequences in the real world in the book are intense and fast paced. They make me wince at parts and at many points trying to figure out how Alex and friends were going to get out of what was thrown at them. At least one thing had me convinced that the rest of the stories were going to be written about ghosts but they got out of it alive and somewhat well-ish. At least alive. 

His in-game action sequences are what really got me worked up though. I've played World of Warcraft and Everquest and have literal years invested in game time played. My WoW main had over eighteen months online all by himself. I haven't played in awhile, but Disgardium almost has me back into it.

Alex/Scyth are involved in some of the most intense player versus player combat sequences imaginable. I've fought encounters in WoW and raided cities. I've never done anything that comes anywhere near what happens in these books. I'd love to just see something like this happen on Twitch or something and I don't even watch Twitch. Alex and friends also do multiple instances and down multiple bosses for the first time ever. This guy has a gaming career that most players three times his age can't even dream of. These are probably the best parts of what would be an awesome series without them.

Disgardium is my new favorite LitRPG series. I can't wait for the last two books. 

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Rainbow Crystals

Apostle of the Sleeping Gods, The Destroying Plague, Resistance, Holy War, Path of Spirit, The Demonic Games, Enemy of the Inferno, Glory to the Dominion!, Clear Threat, Out of Play, Unity
Dan Sugralinov
Magic Dome Books 2019-2023

Apostle of the Sleeping Gods: Book Two of Disgardium is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon, I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Apostle of The Sleeping Gods

One October Night: 31 Illustrations and Their Stories by Sam Robb Illustrations by Cedar Sanderson

(Listen folks, I'm going lazy on this one. I will grant you that I don't do many anthology posts, but that's  because they take too long to write. I usually do a brief review of each story. Here's the problem: It's Sunday night. My Lions are playing in less than two hours and have a decent chance to win their first playoff game in three decades. Last time they won one, I was a high school kid, working at the local grocery store and I missed the game because I was at work. The one review per story dog isn't going to hunt and I need to get this done tonight. So buckle up and put your hardhat on, sweetheart because we're on a trip trying to do this thing justice in less than the two and half hours I average for reviewing an anthology. No, that's not a typo.)

When Cedar Sanderson wandered by my email one day inquiring as to whether I would do a review for her latest work I was intrigued. Cedar is, after all, one hell of a writer and artist and I've reviewed a ton of her stuff already. That's because I enjoy it. She's really good at what she does. So of course I perked up my ears when she mentioned the word "experimental." Cedar works in a lab. I was excited. I thought maybe she used her powers of science and finally conjured up the evil spirits from the Nethervoid of the Shadowwalker and we were going to utilize the power of The Dark to level cities and invent popcorn that won't burn in the microwave or something...

Right.

Like popcorn that won't burn in the microwave will ever actually exist.

But then she told me that she had a project with a guy named Sam Robb, whose work I am new to reading, and that it was really cool. I had known that Cedar had participated in Inktober (it's a challenge graphic artists take to do a drawing every day in October) and I was watching her post stuff on Facebook. What I hadn't known was that Sam Robb was doing a story every day based on whatever she drew and also the prompts (provided by fans. The process is explained in the book.) that she used to draw them. That sounded just crazy enough to work.

Which, admittedly was not assured. I mean, Klinger thought that wearing dresses was crazy enough to get him discharged, right?

Fortunately though, it did work. It really works well. It worked so well that I manged to read all of One October Night: 31 Illustrations and Their Stories in one freaking day. I don't read entire anthologies in a day ever. They don't flow like novels and it's usually pretty hard to focus on the book when it keeps changing up on me like that. Here's the thing: These stories were so good it didn't matter.

There is a whole ton of stuff here. At least one story was heavily influenced by HP Lovecraft and written in the same vein as "Call of Cthulu." It was great. There was another about a girl who got an epic birthday present even if it wasn't quite what she expected. It had me chuckling though, even if her father wasn't, at least at first. I've got to admit too, I've never quite seen death portrayed as a wolf before. Although, there was a bit of Pandora (from Greek myth, not the music app) mixed in there as well. 

There is also a story known as "Coffee Failure". I don't want to spoil the story, but any picture with the word "decaf" written on the side of a coffee mug clearly deserves the name. I mean, seriously, who drinks decrappinated anything? Ok, so I bought a box of decrappinated tea bags once but that's because they looked like the good stuff. 

Of course, small planets need saving too, and that's the theme of one of the other stories. That's a crazy one because it sounds like the main character is almost bored by what he discovers before he works it out and finds out what's important. Seriously, it's clearly not meant as a Christmas movie but it has a sort of Miracle on 34th Street feel to it in a way. Kinda. Then there's the coffee shop story. That's touching. It's also cool because it involves a girl who reads books. Who doesn't love girls who read books?

Anyway...

Cedar's work is excellent as always. She has a definite style about her that really needs a proper art critic to describe it. I hate to disappoint you all, but this is Jimbo's and we don't have a proper art critic. I guess her defining things are a kind of sweeping strokes with lines that don't always finish. If you don't believe me about the lines try coloring one of her line drawings in Recolor. One click and half the picture is brown. I was kinda mad about that one because those baby dragons on that bookcase needed some color and..

I'm off topic again. That wasn't even one of the pics from One October Night.

I'm not doing her work just because I can't. Just know that if you're in to science fiction and, especially, fantasy artwork Cedar is worth checking out. I know she does covers and that's terrific but I almost like her daily stuff more. There's something about the simpleness of the work that just appeals. 

I did take an art history class once. You'd think I'd be better at this. It's not my fault. Words like "Byzantine" and "Baroque" just don't work here.

Whatever. Listen. There's a lot more to this book than what I'm showing here.

I never, ever in my life even think about discussing forewords in my reviews.

However...

Both Robb and Sanderson did forewords for One October Night and they talked a bit about the process of how they conceived the stories and images in the book. I almost skipped them (GASP!) but I'm glad I didn't. Reading those forewords changed the way I read the book. I didn't have access to the prompts, obviously, but I did stop at each pic (they precede the story they inspired) and try to figure out what the story was going to be about. I was wrong every time, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I got enjoyment out of trying to guess what was coming. It was like one of those assignments I had in school where I had to write about what happened next in the book we were reading except that it didn't suck and I didn't have to hide that I knew what was coming because I had gotten bored and read ahead. It was great.

So seriously, give this one a try. I'd like to see someone else try something like this in the future because I feel like this is the type of thing that could become a thoroughly enjoyable trend if we could get enough people signed on to do it. It's that much fun. 

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Sacks of Roc Food

One October Night: 31 Illustrations and Their Stories
Sam Robb/ Cedar Sanderson
Sanderley Studios, 2023

One October Night: 31 Illustrations and Their Stores is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon, I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

One October Night

Monomyth's Grim Tides

I like gaming. Do you like gaming? I'm guessing you probably do, because most geeks are gamers and if you're not a gamer you're probably not going to read my blog. That's unfortunate, I suppose. Everyone should read my epic awesomeness (I mean, the name of the blog _is_ Jimbo's AWESOME Science Fiction and Fantasy Reviews) but some people just don't know how to have a good time. 

Or sumfin'

Today though, it's not about a book or a movie. Today, we're discussing a game. A pretty simple one, actually.  It's a cell phone app and I don't remember when it came to my attention, but I have been playing it a lot lately. There's a reason for that. It's fun. But it goes a little deeper than that, too.

At the most basic level, the reason I like Grim Tides is because it's the kind of app that I really enjoy: I don't have to spend my entire paycheck to succeed. I don't have to play constantly to accomplish anything. I don't have to wait for hours because I ran out of my energy when I do feel like playing. There's no "this will be done in six hours while you're asleep and you can't start your next twelve hour project till lunch time tomorrow when you get a chance to play again." type thing. There is crafting, but it's instantaneous as long as your cellular provider isn't being a buttface. I hate you, Cricket.

Anyway...

There's a lot of nostalgia for me here, because Grim Tides has a similar feel in a lot of ways to old school console Role Playing Games like Wizardry on the original Nintendo Entertainment System. The levels are easier to navigate, not being mazes like they were back in the day, but the random encounter system and linear advancement remind me a lot of the "olden days" as my oldest daughter would call them.

Grim Tides has a bit of open world to it, but not really. As you progress in the game, new areas open up and you can get back to the old places as well. I can't get to most places just yet, because I haven't progressed far enough. That's okay though, because I can see where I have yet to go and, if I'm not sure exactly what it takes to unlock each location, at least I know I'll get there eventually. There are new monsters at each new location and each matches with the environment in that area. Honestly, it's like a series of dungeons in Dungeons & Dragons in that manner. 

With a name like Grim Tides, it shouldn't come as a surprise that you have to obtain and maintain your own ship. I was a bit concerned about how the maintenance aspect would work, but it's pretty easy. It's just a matter of docking your ship (which you do at the end of every dungeon crawl) and paying the gold to do it. I have a couple of crew members now, and they add bonuses to different things. It's a matter of picking the right person to give the right bonus and I've done no research. I've probably got the wrong dudes, but whatever. This is not a super serious kind of thing.

Grim Tides is also a single player game and that's something I've been looking for. There is no player versus player content, so I don't have to try to outspend the other guy. While playing another game, I had a guy lecture me because I was so far behind him in increasing my power. It turned out that he had pumped three hundred dollars into the game. I hadn't spent a penny. I'm still convinced that I'm smarter than him, but I got my ass kicked. Lesson learned. I don't play those kinds of games anymore. I've got bills to pay.

Of course, being free to play means that Grim Tides is ad supported. I don't mind it though. You have the chance to view an ad after every dungeon run to get gold, but you don't have to. There are ads at the bottom of the screen, but they're really non-intrusive. Grim Tides is not the kind of game where you're constantly interrupted by annoying ads. And the amount of gold you earn for watching ads goes up as you level too, so it at least stays relevant.

There are a number of classes available, but I only have one character so far. He's a Paladin. I figured some healing and some tanking would be a good mix since you don't get a party: Grim Tides is a solo adventure once you get into the dungeon where most of the action takes place. There are plenty of other classes though. I just haven't had time to work through all of them yet.

Abilities are a huge part of the game. Leveling them requires a lot of gold, but you won't make it if you don't acquire and level them. I really need to experience more than one class to get a good feel for how it works overall, but I like my pally abilities. I've min-maxxed into hacking weapons and the abilities that go with them. This seems to be an effective strategy for now as, from what I can tell, weapons come in tiers and pretty much any weapon of a given tier has the same damage codes. It's the abilities that go with them that change things. And, "whack it as hard as you can as often as you can" has been a tactic that's worked for me for decades now.

The town you base out of is pretty basic, but it's got what it needs to be interesting. It's also small enough to be easily navigable. There's an Inn where you can buy supplies, acquire quests and raise your morale, as well as storing things you have acquired but don't have an immediate use for. That's an important thing, because inventory space is limited. There's a store, an arena where you can fight and win lots of gold, the harbor and a couple of places to do some crafting of magic items and weapons and armor. 

The story aspect is pretty cool, too. There's a prologue at the beginning and a journal feature that lets you re-read the story entries that you've found so far. It's also where you track your quests and get your rewards. And yes, the story is all about chasing down the evil wizard and his henchmen but it works. 

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Undead Pirates

Grim Tides
Monomyth, 2023?

E.G. Foley's The Lost Heir (The Gryphon Chronicles, Book One)

Okay, so I don't usually mention stuff like this because it's really irrelevant to my (and presumably your) enjoyment of the story, but E.G Foley is actually two people, Eric and Gael Foley. They're a married couple. That's kinda cool. But, with your kind permission, I will now proceed to regale you with my usual nonsense. It makes for fine rea...

*COUGH*

*WHEEZE*

Listen. I tried. That makes some kind of difference, right?

So anyway...

E.G. Foley's The Lost Heir has a title that is a spoiler in and of itself, so I guess it's okay if I mention that our hero, one Jake (don't call him Jacob) Reed is more than just your average orphan. I mean, there may be someone searching for him or something, possibly related to his heritage. Or sumfin'. Listen, Jake is honestly a scamp. He's got some magical power (and his first scene in the book was epic) and he is making his way in the world any way that he can. It's not quite the way the local magistrate would prefer, and that's unfortunate, but Jake is not the type of person to overly concern himself with the opinion of an authority figure. I mean that lovingly. This kid is a little rough around the edges the way I kinda like to read a bit, but that's part of his charm.

Jake also attracts trouble like sugar attracts ants. This kid cannot - under any circumstances - avoid doing the wrong thing at precisely the wrong time. His sense of timing is eerily terrible. That's a trait that keeps things interesting though, and I don't seem to remember being bored at any point during the story, and that's a really rare thing for the first book in a series. The Foleys have a gift for being able to build their world simultaneously with moving the story along. I was expecting some boring exposition and I didn't get any, so kudos to them. 

What I did get was a feeling of time and place that really worked. Being the guy with the history degree, I'm pretty sure that my college professors would have contracted the vapors immediately upon hearing about a story involving magic and water nymphs in Victorian England. That type of thing is just not historically accurate, no matter how much fun it was. I mean, it seriously was. I guess you wouldn't get this if you've never read a thirty plus page paper about the historical inaccuracies contained in the movie The Last Samurai, but trust me, it's a thing.

I've started a new job recently here in the real world, and I was looking for a light read, something I could read straight through without putting too much thought into it and just freaking enjoy. I like my new job but it's been a bit stressful trying to learn all the stuff about the things so that I can get the people to buy them. (Yes, Virginia, there is a Telemarketer Claus, and he reviews books) The Lost Heir was the perfect fit. This is not a heavy, plodding Robert Jordan novel (and for the record, that's a good thing. Jordan never used a word when a chapter would do and I couldn't even get through the first Wheel of Time novel.) nor is it something with the dark, twisted sense of foreboding I got while reading Dragonlance Legends. The Last Heir is entertaining and the stakes are high, but it's kind of like the literary equivalent of a good popcorn flick. Speaking of which, I'd pay to see this, and Jake isn't much older than that Potter kid at the start of his story, And Jake's an orphan, too. Hmmm...

The rest of the cast of characters is also a lot of fun. Jake's best friend is a girl named Dani, and oh wow, do I feel sorry for her. She tries to help Jake out and keep him out of trouble, but I already covered how well that goes. She is loyal to the bone though, and she could hang out with me anytime. She's always there, but she's not afraid to call a bonehead a bonehead. And, while I'm not sure she ever actually uses the word, she lets Jake know what he needs to know. 

Uncle Waldrick, on the other hand, is the piece's antagonist and he desperately deserves a thumb to the eye. I don't like this guy at all. He has no magic of his own, but he has friends and they're just as bad as he is. He has kind of a bit of Cobra Commander to him though. He has grandiose plans, but they never seem to work out. His reach exceeds his grasp, but he never gives up. Jake is the one person in the world who can screw everything up for him. It gets ugly. I hate this guy, but I love to hate him. He's the hero in his own mind though, and has only managed to come into something his brother didn't deserve.

My one complaint about The Lost Heir, and I'd never have noticed this if I hadn't just re-read the Amazon page for the book, is that it claims to be steampunk and I don't really get that feeling from it. There is some mention of trains, and a quick reference to attempts at flying, but it just doesn't have that weird, old time steam tech thing, at least from my point of view. Now, that may change in later books, and The Lost Heir is the first in a series, but for me it's not Steampunk enough to be Steampunk. I guess it's the right time period. Maybe I'm just being that guy. Other than that though, this is a first class story and I'm kind of ticked off at myself for reading that Amazon page of a book I had already loved. But whatever. I'm giving this story a perfect score anyway, because it deserves one.

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Talking Spiders

The Lost Heir
E.G Foley
Self Published, 2013

The Lost Heir is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon, I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Check Out This Trailer

Wow. So Mr. Never Intentionally Watches a Trailer Twice (that being your friendly neighborhood blogger) can't get enough of this one. Seriously. It's weird, too because I can't stop myself from watching it. Anyway, enjoy!

Seriously, that's the whole post. I'm just posting a link to a trailer from a movie that I'm totally excited to see that's a sequel from a franchise that I love. I'm not going to point out that this trailer makes its movie look exciting. I'm totes going to keep silent about the fact that it focuses on story. I won't even point out that it shows characters that we all know and care about. I'm going to shut my mouth about all of that.

I won't rub it in your face that this is one of the very few sequels of movies that had decades between releases that was actually worth watching. I won't mention that Ghostbusters: Afterlife was also a very good movie or that I reviewed it on this very blog. I would never do anything like that because, let's face it, that would be taking your attention away from a damn fine trailer.

So go back up there and watch the trailer. 

Huh?

You watched it before you wrote this? Watch it again.

Because, let's face it, Hollyweird doesn't really care about providing quality entertainment anymore and it's becoming increasing rare to see a decent movie anymore. Their product is full of angst, whining and post-modern claptrap. They've become so obsessed with subverting norms that it is the norm what is subversive now. They think they're clever, but they're not.

So I'll leave you alone and ride off into the sunset, content with a job well done. Peace and love to all.

Some Ghostbusters related merchandise can be found below. If you click a link and purchase literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Hints for Hollywood

Usually, when I need help with something, I will look at someone nearby and say, "Help your boy out." Their boy being, of course, me. This time, however, I'm going to take a different tack. This is me looking at the writers, producers and businessmen in Hollyweird and saying, "Let your boy help you out." Seriously, I'm going to list a few simple rules below to help these yahoos succeed with all of these reboots, remakes and "you waited how long to release a" sequels so that they'll stop failing. I'm not going to tear anyone's particular product apart. I'll simply ask how often big budget Science Fiction and Fantasy movies have succeeded since Avengers: Endgame hit, and how often they've failed. 

It's not burnout folks. The problem is the industry itself. You have sucked the life out of your own product. Most of these will also apply to totally new universes as well, if the current crop of cowards actually decides to show enough courage to make something that hasn't already been made. I'd actually like to see it, even if that's not the same thing as expecting to.

1.) Make a Quality Product

This should go without saying, but unfortunately, it does not. I've seen to many big budget special effects masterpieces with scripts that feel like they were written by amateurs the last few years. Story is important. Acting is important. When Star Trek: The Original Series was in development, the producers teamed up with the writers to invent the transporter. It was a cost saving measure. Instead of doing expensive stop motion landing sequences every time they came to a planet, they could throw glitter in the air and voila! They were on the planet. What made Trek work was a good story week after week (with the exception of "Spock's Brain." There's no defending that mess.) and not an expensive effects department. A good enough story will make your audience fail to notice that you didn't include tens of millions of dollars of CGI. Seriously. 

Poor writing killed the Fantastic Beasts franchise. Seriously, I just finished watching The Secrets of Dumbledore for the first time. It's the best written of the Fantastic Beasts movie, but that's a lot like saying it was the best idea that Dr. Doofenshmirtz ever had. Poor writing murdered The Flash. That movie had massive potential before it went face first into a wall at near light speed. I could provide more examples but you should get the idea by now.

This is important because...

2.) Fans of the Franchise are Under No Obligation To Support Your Product If It Sucks.

This sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. I placed the trailer for Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire above because I'm a believer in what's coming. Ghostbusters: Afterlife convinced me that the people in charge of the current iteration of the Ghostbusters franchise know what they're doing.  Afterlife was a terrific movie. The plot made sense. The characters were entertaining. We all cared about the outcome. They brought back some fan favorites and gave us new people to care about.  It was amazingly done. I've seen it several times and will watch it again.

Keep this in mind: The fans don't owe you continued success. You owe us. You need us. We're the people who have bought the tickets, watched the TV shows and bought the merchandise. Without us, there's no you. Without you, we'd find something else to spend our time and money on. 

3.)  Leave the Characters That Exist Substantially As You Found Them.

No, this does not mean you can't have a female, black, brown, transexual, gay, bisexual, asexual, whatever else character. It does mean to leave existing characters alone. Seriously. I'm convinced that at least part of what killed the last Star Trek movie was that there were rumors that they were going to give us a gay Sulu. Does that mean Trek fans won't support a product with a gay character? Not at all. Star Trek Discovery has a gay couple and it has a fifth season about to start in a few months. But, and this is the key: They were new characters. Changing a fundamental part of a character to meet your political agenda is an insult to the people who have spent years of their lives and thousands of their dollars supporting the character the way they've always existed. George Takei agrees and he's married to another man.

So, it's simple: 

4.) Include Diverse Character(s) if You Like, But Make New Character(s) to Do So.

This is also known as doing your job. Any good writer can conceive of a new character. Creating characters that the audience cares about is the be-all end-all of a writer. So, if you want a transsexual minority member of the bridge crew in Star Trek make one. If you need a love affair between two male Stormtroopers, just make sure that Finn isn't one of them. If you want a war movie with female soldiers...

Ok, Starship Troopers did that and did it well. It has a cult following and a slew of sequels decades later. So do your thing. We'll pay for it if it's done right.

Well, most of us. There will be some whiners who take their ball and go home. Of course, there will be some whiners who will take their ball and go home if you DON'T include that diverse character. The middle road to attract the most fans (while acknowledging that you'll never make everyone happy) is to follow my advice. You'll offend the least amount of people on both sides and sell the most tickets/draw the highest ratings by doing things my way. And by the way...

5.) Make All of Your Characters Including, But Not Limited to, Diverse Characters Relevant to the Story.

In his book I am Spock, published in 1995, Leonard Nimoy states that he wouldn't do Star Trek: Generations because the Spock character served no purpose in the story. When he decided not to do the movie, Deforest Kelley decided he wouldn't either and that's why Generations was minus two of the most important characters from ST:TOS. This is a valid point. If the character is there, have them do something that matters to the plot. Seriously. 

I've heard a lot of complaints about the Rose Tico character in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Despite claims to the contrary, this is not because no one wanted an Asian in Star Wars. No one had a problem with minority characters before Rose Tico. Lando Calrissian has been a popular character since Empire. The problem is, and always has been, that she added nothing by being there. She was there simply for the color of her skin.

And listen folks, I don't know why minorities would accept this, either. Are you so easily led as to accept the insult give to you when someone includes a character that looks like you and won't find an actual spot for them in the story that matters? I mean, I guess showing a marginalized minority with a marginalized character is somehow reflective of the real world, but why would you not demand better? Seriously, if you believe in stuffing irrelevant characters into stories just to show off their minority-ness without mattering, please explain that to me below because to me demanding that minorities be including as no account characters strikes me as being more racist than not including them at all.

6.) Don't Market Exclusively to a Woke Crowd

I'm also convinced that Donald Glover lost a big chunk of his audience by proclaiming the Lando character as being pansexual. I don't even think it's a problem with pansexual characters for most of the people who refused to see the movie. Here's the thing that a lot of people don't realize: There are many of us out there (and yes, I am including myself here specifically) who see your bragging about the diversity of your characters as admitting that your script sucks. Yes, I did say that.

If you want to sell your product to both sides and maximize profits, you need to spend your time bragging about how good your product is and not how diverse you are. People will pay to see your dark-skinned and/or LGBT characters. Black Panther and Brokeback Mountain both made money. Here's the thing, though: When the people who marketed the movies wrote the advertising they talked about how good the movie was instead of focusing on demographics.

That's not to say that people didn't notice. Black schools took black kids to see Black Panther, but there were plenty of white/Asian/Middle Eastern/etc. people that saw the movie because they expected to enjoy the experience. There is a lesson to be learned here if you are willing to pay attention. 

It's weird too, because I've never heard a woke person complain about a story being too good. They don't seem to be offended by good scripts or good acting. Sell your product based on its quality and not on skin color and genitalia and you'll do much better. You're never going to force a non-woke person to see your movie by screaming something ending in -ist or -phobe if they don't. I can't put it more simply than that.

I'll take this a step further: I'm a Christian. I like Christian movies. I own a couple of Bibles and have given some as gifts. I know, having seen it happen, that there are many other Christians out there who consume Christian entertainment. But here's the thing: There is no way that I would make a blockbuster style Christian movie with a budget comparable to those of the latest few superhero movies. Why? Because I would know that I'm limiting my audience and I wouldn't make my money back. Too much of the population would turn their backs against it because of its Christian message. Touting your wokeness works the same way. You can expect the same results.

And that's really it. Follow those rules and it's bound to get better. If your creators won't follow the rules, get new ones. I can recommend plenty of people who know how to write. I've been publishing reviews for almost nine years now. (Actually about eight years and nine months for you pedantic types.) I can point you in the right direction and I'm willing to do so for a modest finder's fee to be negotiated later.