Hints for Hollywood

Usually, when I need help with something, I will look at someone nearby and say, "Help your boy out." Their boy being, of course, me. This time, however, I'm going to take a different tack. This is me looking at the writers, producers and businessmen in Hollyweird and saying, "Let your boy help you out." Seriously, I'm going to list a few simple rules below to help these yahoos succeed with all of these reboots, remakes and "you waited how long to release a" sequels so that they'll stop failing. I'm not going to tear anyone's particular product apart. I'll simply ask how often big budget Science Fiction and Fantasy movies have succeeded since Avengers: Endgame hit, and how often they've failed. 

It's not burnout folks. The problem is the industry itself. You have sucked the life out of your own product. Most of these will also apply to totally new universes as well, if the current crop of cowards actually decides to show enough courage to make something that hasn't already been made. I'd actually like to see it, even if that's not the same thing as expecting to.

1.) Make a Quality Product

This should go without saying, but unfortunately, it does not. I've seen to many big budget special effects masterpieces with scripts that feel like they were written by amateurs the last few years. Story is important. Acting is important. When Star Trek: The Original Series was in development, the producers teamed up with the writers to invent the transporter. It was a cost saving measure. Instead of doing expensive stop motion landing sequences every time they came to a planet, they could throw glitter in the air and voila! They were on the planet. What made Trek work was a good story week after week (with the exception of "Spock's Brain." There's no defending that mess.) and not an expensive effects department. A good enough story will make your audience fail to notice that you didn't include tens of millions of dollars of CGI. Seriously. 

Poor writing killed the Fantastic Beasts franchise. Seriously, I just finished watching The Secrets of Dumbledore for the first time. It's the best written of the Fantastic Beasts movie, but that's a lot like saying it was the best idea that Dr. Doofenshmirtz ever had. Poor writing murdered The Flash. That movie had massive potential before it went face first into a wall at near light speed. I could provide more examples but you should get the idea by now.

This is important because...

2.) Fans of the Franchise are Under No Obligation To Support Your Product If It Sucks.

This sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. I placed the trailer for Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire above because I'm a believer in what's coming. Ghostbusters: Afterlife convinced me that the people in charge of the current iteration of the Ghostbusters franchise know what they're doing.  Afterlife was a terrific movie. The plot made sense. The characters were entertaining. We all cared about the outcome. They brought back some fan favorites and gave us new people to care about.  It was amazingly done. I've seen it several times and will watch it again.

Keep this in mind: The fans don't owe you continued success. You owe us. You need us. We're the people who have bought the tickets, watched the TV shows and bought the merchandise. Without us, there's no you. Without you, we'd find something else to spend our time and money on. 

3.)  Leave the Characters That Exist Substantially As You Found Them.

No, this does not mean you can't have a female, black, brown, transexual, gay, bisexual, asexual, whatever else character. It does mean to leave existing characters alone. Seriously. I'm convinced that at least part of what killed the last Star Trek movie was that there were rumors that they were going to give us a gay Sulu. Does that mean Trek fans won't support a product with a gay character? Not at all. Star Trek Discovery has a gay couple and it has a fifth season about to start in a few months. But, and this is the key: They were new characters. Changing a fundamental part of a character to meet your political agenda is an insult to the people who have spent years of their lives and thousands of their dollars supporting the character the way they've always existed. George Takei agrees and he's married to another man.

So, it's simple: 

4.) Include Diverse Character(s) if You Like, But Make New Character(s) to Do So.

This is also known as doing your job. Any good writer can conceive of a new character. Creating characters that the audience cares about is the be-all end-all of a writer. So, if you want a transsexual minority member of the bridge crew in Star Trek make one. If you need a love affair between two male Stormtroopers, just make sure that Finn isn't one of them. If you want a war movie with female soldiers...

Ok, Starship Troopers did that and did it well. It has a cult following and a slew of sequels decades later. So do your thing. We'll pay for it if it's done right.

Well, most of us. There will be some whiners who take their ball and go home. Of course, there will be some whiners who will take their ball and go home if you DON'T include that diverse character. The middle road to attract the most fans (while acknowledging that you'll never make everyone happy) is to follow my advice. You'll offend the least amount of people on both sides and sell the most tickets/draw the highest ratings by doing things my way. And by the way...

5.) Make All of Your Characters Including, But Not Limited to, Diverse Characters Relevant to the Story.

In his book I am Spock, published in 1995, Leonard Nimoy states that he wouldn't do Star Trek: Generations because the Spock character served no purpose in the story. When he decided not to do the movie, Deforest Kelley decided he wouldn't either and that's why Generations was minus two of the most important characters from ST:TOS. This is a valid point. If the character is there, have them do something that matters to the plot. Seriously. 

I've heard a lot of complaints about the Rose Tico character in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Despite claims to the contrary, this is not because no one wanted an Asian in Star Wars. No one had a problem with minority characters before Rose Tico. Lando Calrissian has been a popular character since Empire. The problem is, and always has been, that she added nothing by being there. She was there simply for the color of her skin.

And listen folks, I don't know why minorities would accept this, either. Are you so easily led as to accept the insult give to you when someone includes a character that looks like you and won't find an actual spot for them in the story that matters? I mean, I guess showing a marginalized minority with a marginalized character is somehow reflective of the real world, but why would you not demand better? Seriously, if you believe in stuffing irrelevant characters into stories just to show off their minority-ness without mattering, please explain that to me below because to me demanding that minorities be including as no account characters strikes me as being more racist than not including them at all.

6.) Don't Market Exclusively to a Woke Crowd

I'm also convinced that Donald Glover lost a big chunk of his audience by proclaiming the Lando character as being pansexual. I don't even think it's a problem with pansexual characters for most of the people who refused to see the movie. Here's the thing that a lot of people don't realize: There are many of us out there (and yes, I am including myself here specifically) who see your bragging about the diversity of your characters as admitting that your script sucks. Yes, I did say that.

If you want to sell your product to both sides and maximize profits, you need to spend your time bragging about how good your product is and not how diverse you are. People will pay to see your dark-skinned and/or LGBT characters. Black Panther and Brokeback Mountain both made money. Here's the thing, though: When the people who marketed the movies wrote the advertising they talked about how good the movie was instead of focusing on demographics.

That's not to say that people didn't notice. Black schools took black kids to see Black Panther, but there were plenty of white/Asian/Middle Eastern/etc. people that saw the movie because they expected to enjoy the experience. There is a lesson to be learned here if you are willing to pay attention. 

It's weird too, because I've never heard a woke person complain about a story being too good. They don't seem to be offended by good scripts or good acting. Sell your product based on its quality and not on skin color and genitalia and you'll do much better. You're never going to force a non-woke person to see your movie by screaming something ending in -ist or -phobe if they don't. I can't put it more simply than that.

I'll take this a step further: I'm a Christian. I like Christian movies. I own a couple of Bibles and have given some as gifts. I know, having seen it happen, that there are many other Christians out there who consume Christian entertainment. But here's the thing: There is no way that I would make a blockbuster style Christian movie with a budget comparable to those of the latest few superhero movies. Why? Because I would know that I'm limiting my audience and I wouldn't make my money back. Too much of the population would turn their backs against it because of its Christian message. Touting your wokeness works the same way. You can expect the same results.

And that's really it. Follow those rules and it's bound to get better. If your creators won't follow the rules, get new ones. I can recommend plenty of people who know how to write. I've been publishing reviews for almost nine years now. (Actually about eight years and nine months for you pedantic types.) I can point you in the right direction and I'm willing to do so for a modest finder's fee to be negotiated later.