G. Scott Huggins's All Things Huge and Hideous

 

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Sometimes you need a break from the norm.

Sometimes it can be fun to laugh when you would ordinarily be enthralled.

Sometimes you can be enthralled WHILE you're laughing.

Sometimes an author can knock it out of the park with their first novel.

Sometimes you wanna go...

Err...

Never mind that last one.

Listen folks, I just finished All Things Huge and Hideous by G. Scott Hutchins and I loved it. It's not the worlds serious fiction, but that's okay. I liked that about it. I have to admit that I never came up with the idea to ____ __ a ______ from the ______ (spoilers redacted) but that someone else did it flat out made my day. If it got him into a bit of trouble, well, better him than me and like he fixed the problem afterward...

Sort of.

Anyway, it was funny. Oh, speaking of funny...

WARNING WARNING WARNING

I love humorous novels. I love music by Weird Al Yankovic. However...

DO NOT MIX ALL THINGS HUGE AND HIDEOUS WITH WEIRD AL.

I damn near sprained a rib. Someone needs to inform Mr. Huggins that in the United States we have a prohibition against cruel and unusual punishment and that forcing another human being to dislocate a bone simply because he read your book is a serious violation of it! I'm gonna...

Uhh...

I'm gonna...

Well...

I'm gonna read your next one when it comes out now and it's all your fault. That somehow seems an inadequate punishment but he's earned it so, uh...

Yeah, I dunno either. I guess I'll live.

Seriously, this a book for people who don't take their fantasy too seriously. I mean, there are some of the usual tropes here to be sure, but not everything fits into a typical fantasy setting but that's what makes it fun. Really. You know what's funnier than having a pet basilisk? Trying to keep it healthy on a blood only diet. Yup, totally happens. Of course, finding an alternate use for a medusa is fun too...

Listen, this is some good stuff. I've needed a laugh lately and this provided it. Don't get me wrong though. There's plenty of good stuff here. The political intrigue is as entertaining as anything I've seen elsewhere and more immediate in its consequences. Yeah, when the leader of the world is the Dark Lord and he has this weird case of caps lock disease and a bad attitude to go with the power of life and death over pretty much everybody...

Yeah, it's intense. 

But there is just something about a veterinarian in a fantasy setting that kills me. What makes it better is that Huggins has found a way to take full advantage of the situation and make everything that much better. I don't want to spoil too much (and I've give up a few already) but watch for the situation with the Ring of Invisibility. James, the main character and also my namesake, finds an interesting way out of it, even if it's not one I'd have thought of. And it's REALLY funny. Come to think of it, the dragon thing? Yeah, awesome.

Of course, only in All Things Huge and Hideous could you have a school of Witchcraft (but no wizardry) that discriminates against humans and kicks students out because they're not pretty enough. I mean, scarred and ugly USED to be the thing, but sorry chick you're not in fashion anymore. We need statuesque witches and you're expelled, but you already know everything, but it hasn't been tested and you can just go wait tables in a tavern that caters to orcs and goblins for all we care. 

Yup, totally happens. Then Harriet the almost-witch ends up as an assistant to a veterinarian that deals in monsters. It can't get much worse than that right? Well, yeah. Kind of. I mean, what if the veterinarian gets eaten by something? Or petrified by something? Or something else weird? Or what if...

Nevermind that's a spoiler. But trust me, I wouldn't want it to happen to me. I'm pretty sure you'd think it would be well below average if it happened to you as well. But yeah, it happened and it sucks and it took skill, pluck and fire to fix it. Of course, fans of Larry Correia's Monster Hunter International know that the best solution to killing pretty much anything is to kill it with fire. Although, I have to admit that I wouldn't have thought about kill THAT with fire...

But what do you I know? I'm just a guy with too much time on his hands, a loud mouth and a keyboard. Oh, and a bit of a headache, but that's go nothing to do with anything.

Well, probably.

So yeah, the Dark Lord is not a very nice guy, his council members are stinkin' meanies, his Beast Master seriously needs an attitude adjustment, there is never enough money, the average person hates humans and well, that's where our very human hero and heroine find themselves. It's not a fun place for the characters but the shenanigans they get into are fun for us to watch.

The villains in the book are not Saturday morning cartoon types, but they're not supervillains either. James has to use every bit of his wit and cunning to, well...

Not defeat them exactly but at least keep them one step ahead. Maybe it's more like not falling too far behind. At any rate, All Things Huge and Hideous is, as much as anything a story of survival, and I think that's what makes it work more than anything. Yes, goofy things happen and weirdness abounds, but at the end of the day we can't help but root for the plucky little hero James who is really just trying to keep the bills paid and not get himself tortured to death slowly. Maybe that's what makes All Things Huge and Hideous work. I'm all for a good Chosen One story if it's out there. Lord knows I love Harry Potter. But sometimes it's can be awesome to read about a guy like me, who is just trying to survive and keep moving.

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Ten Centimeter Dragon Scalpels

All Things Huge and Hideous
H. Scott Huggins
Self Published, 2019

All Things Huge and Hideous is available for purchase at the following link. If you click it and buy literally anything from Amazon, I will get a small percentage at no cost to you.

The Rules for Watching the NFL Draft (Non SF/F Related Post)

(The following is a repeat posting from an old website that I used to do some occasional writing for. I thought it would be appropriate given the timing.)

It's time to let all of you goofballs know what's what on draft day. This is a sacred time of year when we all come together and are convinced that our teams just got ten thousand times better because now they get to have some player  that's played in the same amount of NFL games as I have: ZERO. It's an important time of year, so let's not screw it up MMMkay?

The Rules for Watching the NFL Draft

Don't be That Guy

If you want to be an overpowering know-it-all and drink your Perrier with your little finger up then feel free. If you want to pontificate learnedly on your extensive knowledge of the draft process and who ran what at the combine go ahead. Seriously. Just make sure you're nowhere near me, because I'll bitch-slap you. It's man time DAMMIT. Leave your little girl BS at home.



You can pretend you know everything about every player, but don't expect me to believe you.
Listen bro, I know you're like the God of All Football Knowledge and everything but stop pretending. I mean, I could sit here talking about Otis Hertz and Mike Easter and you'd start quoting stats. Those two don't even exist. You know just as much about these guys as I do, so deal.

I bought the pizza. I am eating the pizza. If you want pizza there is a place on the corner. They'll be happy to take your money.

And they only charge five dollars for a small with two toppings you cheap fuck! That's why I have one. You know what though? I'll be nice and let you call up there on my phone. That way I can get the reward points, because I'm a cheap fuck too.

If you bring your girl/wife/etc she'd better know the game.

Seriously. If I have to stop my geeking just to explain to some damn woman what a tight end is or if – heaven forbid – I hear a story about how she only watches football because she likes men who bend over while wearing tight pants I'm throwing you BOTH out. Oh, and I'm KEEPING your pizza.

If you stand in front of the TV when my team is picking you will be shot.


Then stabbed, beaten, hung, whipped, castrated, murdered and severely injured. Repeatedly. I may not know who this guy is either, but I still want to know what his name is and where he played. Sit your ass down, shut the fuck up and talk to me AFTER I get done geeking out.

There is a time and place to talk about your life, problems and issues.

And it's damn sure not in my living room during the middle of the draft. As a matter of fact you should probably find a woman to share your insecurities with. I'll just think you're a bitch.


If you crap in my bathroom, it'd better not stink.

Seriously. I know it's a long weekend. I know that we've been eating pizza and wings the whole time. I'm even aware that there is a reason the beer shits are called the beer shits. But dammit, I might have to go in there. If you can't control your gas enough that I can breathe in my own bathroom you'd best take yourself to the McDonalds down the street. You stinky fuck. And May God Help You if you take the last piece of my toilet paper.

Some NFL related products can be purchased at the link below: