Yes Virginia, Die Hard _Is_ A Christmas Movie

Bring it in! Take a knee! I have something to tell all of you. It is time to dispel a myth that has been propagated by evil, ill meaning stinky stinkers that stink. They smell bad, too. I mean like, horrible, terrible body odor that wreaks with a wreakiness that wreaks of wreaking. These people smell so bad that my dog tried to eat their underwear WHILE THEY WERE WEARING THEM because they smelled like wild animal poop.

What could make a group of people so terribly awful that skunks won't approach their position because of the smell? They have been spreading the totally untrue, unbelievably deceitful, horribly harmful belief that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. This is patently false.

I see you out there. You're a doubter. You wallow in the stench of your beliefs. Listen up, and let Jimbo set you straight. The proof is in the pudding and, assuming you can follow the most incredibly simple of all arguments, you will come to understand how wrong you were, after which you will be allowed to take a shower and get rid of your odoriferous emanations. I mean, you can't use my shower because I don't want that smell in my house, but someone will allow you to use theirs. Just not me.

You see, those of us who have done actual historical research (and I've got one of those fancy pieces of paper that says I have. It also says something about "bachelor" which I actually am now, but was not when I got it. Go figure.) know that there are things called primary source documents. That's how real historical research is done. Not by reading a book by someone who calls themselves an "expert." Seriously, when I researched the security around the Manhattan Project, I did so by getting hold of copies of the Official Documents of the Manhattan Project. I got a crash course on using a microfilm reader that semester. I also read the memoirs of Leslie Groves, the Commanding Officer of the whole thing. Did you know that Los Alamos used a lower grade milk than any other United States Army installation? They had to get permission to put it in the commissary. True story bro. I know that because I saw the actual freaking request and response.

Granted, it wasn't my most stunning discovery, but that's what happened.

When I did my Capstone Paper on the involvement on the Heer (German Army. No, the Wehrmacht wasn't the Army. The closest analogue to the Wehrmach in the US would be the Department of War/Department of Defense.) I actually read translations of reports filed by the commanders of units who committed mass shootings because that's where the information I needed was. I also read the transcripts of the Nuremberg Trials (well, as many as I had time too. I only had a semester.) because that's where I needed the information contained there. 

I also visited the local Holocaust Museum (on Orchard Lake between Twelve and Thirteen Mile Roads if you're local to Detroit. Stop in. It's horrifying.) but I didn't include anything written there. Why? Because it's a secondary source.

(For the record, it was undergraduate work and was never published. The reason why you can't find it in publication is because it wasn't published because I didn't publish it. Now when the person in the comments screams because they can't find it I can tell them that the reason they can't find the stuff is because it wasn't published and they'll look like the dumbass.)

Sorry for being like, all serious and junk. I do that sometimes. Maybe more than I should. 

BUT ANYWAY...

At the top of this post you will find a PRIMARY SOURCE DOCUMENT (queue impressive sounding music) also known as the promotional poster for the movie itself. Page back up. Read it. I'll wait.

WAITING...

WAITING...

WAITING...

WAITING...

WAITING...

WAITING...

WAITING...

STILL WAITING...

SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU DONE YET?

Okay, so what does the first line of writing on the poster say?

"He had the perfect plan for Christmas."

For what?

For Christmas! IT SAYS CHRISTMAS ON THE POSTER! DIE HARD IS THEREFORE A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! THE PROMOTIONAL TEAM CONFIRMED IT! THEY NEVER COULD HAVE DONE IT IF THE PRODUCER AND THE DIRECTOR DISAGREED!

I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

I'll just stand here while the dozens (KEEP DREAMING!) of the Jim's fans are chanting his name.

JIM-BO, JIM-BO, JIM-BO...

The doubters are now defeated, vanquished. Their suckage has been displayed for all to see. Their golf balls and garden hoses revealed. Their argument has been destroyed. Their cause discredited. I have wreaked havoc (more wreaking!) upon their lines, sent their forces fleeing, advanced upon their capital and lowered their flag.

You may all now congratulate me on the publication (via this blog, if not in any academic journal) of my painstaking research which consisted of seconds worth of reading a promotional poster. Your agreement is accepted. Your objection is irrelevant. I have achieved my life's work and successfully put an academic(ish) debate to bed. 

As I ride off into the sunset celebrating those of you who have seen your argument defeated are highly encouraged to congratulate me on my victory while you are on the way to your shower. Don't forget to wash your pits. They stink. Badly. And use soap this time. Please. You need it.

Those of you who knew and acknowledged the truth from the beginning are urged to be magnanimous. Try not to plug your nose and say "Pee-you". Allow the non-believers to borrow your soap. Encourage them to wash themselves in your showers. Loan them your shampoo. Especially if it's the good stuff. They need it.

Somewhere out there is that one goofball that can't grasp that this is a thousand words worth of joke. That person is advised to go soak their head. They may gag themselves with a spoon if it makes them feel better. But know this Karen: I don't feel bad for you. You're an egghead.

Some Die Hard related objects are available for purchase at the link below. If you click a link and buy literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Cedar Sanderson's Treehouse Art & Architecture

 

Talk about whimsical. Cedar Sanderson's Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture is a work of light fantasy. There are no weighty battles, no dastardly deeds or impressive heroes. No, this is a work of beauty and light, a work of art in the classic visual sense, as opposed to a work of prose where the reader must picture everything on their own. I'm not lambasting authors (Three hundred plus posts into this blog and I'd almost like to think of myself as one) I'm just saying it's a different feel. 

There is a bit of a story here. Sanderson leaves the narration to a nameless person, who is paging through the work of one Mme. K. We're not told exactly what the K stands for, but that's alright. It leaves a bit of mystery and intrigue in an otherwise quite mellow work. The uncertainty, along with the art itself, draws the reader in to the story and makes us want more. The thoughts of the narrator are also committed to paper and that adds a lot. It's like having someone to discuss the book with while you're reading the book. Given the fact that this is self-consciously a tome that someone else is reading it works well. I really got a kick out of that aspect of the work.

Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture is printed in black and white. The narrator states something about the colors not translating and suggests colored pencils to fill them in to fit your imagination. (I'm paraphrasing poorly.) That does sound like it would be a lot of fun. In looking at these pictures, however, I do recommend buying and coloring the physical copy of the book. Some pictures don't translate well to coloring apps (I used to use Recolor a lot) and this does kind of have the look of a book that would have problems if you colored it electronically, unless you've got something that works better. Then again, the pictures in the book are better drawn and more highly detailed than anything that would work on a coloring app, so it's worth the trade-off. 

Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture includes a lot of background in the drawings. I mean, you do get a look at the treehouses themselves, but in some cases you also get a look at the forest it's located in. I enjoyed this part. As someone who has looked through old pictures attached to historical events this is great. A building with no context is missing the single most important part of its existence. If you don't believe me, get hold of the Official Records of the Manhattan Project (I think that's what they were called, it's been awhile) where you get pictures of buildings featuring only the building with no real notes about what happened inside. 

I was about to go on a long diatribe here, but I'll save it. Let's just say I get the security aspect. That's what my project was about.

Several of the drawings contain marginalia and the narrators thoughts about them. It was really cool. Marginalia is something that a lot of modern readers *looks in mirror* don't have much experience with, but it was common in older works, especially those that were hand copied before the invention of the printing press. It added an air of authenticity to the story within the book. I happen to know that Sanderson knows a bit about history and I can't help but think she did it on purpose. I approve.

Overall, Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture is a lot of fun. I'd recommend it to anyone with a love for fantasy who is in the mood for something more fun than intense. I'll be looking for more work from Mrs. Sanderson in the future. I love cool art and this was fun to read. 

Bottom Line: 5.0 out of 5 Swamp Chickens

Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture
Cedar Sanderson
Sanderley Studios, 2022

Fantasy Treehouse Art & Architecture is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Destiny of the Realms: Fate's Awakening by K.L. Jones

Ya know, it's weird. If you had told me I was going to read a book with a character named "Bane" in it, my immediate reaction would have been to assume that he was the villain. I mean, a bane, at least to me, is a bad thing. It keeps someone from succeeding and maybe even kills them. I'm not usually a fan of banes. I have a tendency to get a bit upset at them. That much having been said, Bane is an awesome protagonist ( no, that's not a typo) and I have a feeling that the name Bane is going to have some importance moving foward in the Destiny of the Realms series. I also think that K.L. Jones picked the right name for the character in his book, Fate's Awakening.

You don't look convinced. Seriously, if you don't believe me go buy the book and read it. What do you mean I need to tell you more about it?

*SIGH*

Why do I have to do all the work around here?

Anyway...

Bane is a hardcore dude. He's a little bit on the young side, but he's the kind of guy that a McCoy of the McCoy/Hatfield feud can get behind. Bane never gives up, and I really, honestly, truthfully mean NOT EVER. I don't know if I could do what this kid does but he does it with aplomb. I wouldn't tangle with Bane. He does lack a certain subtlety at times, but what he lacks in subtlety he makes up for in guts and forcefulness. Don't get me wrong, he has a soft side that comes out at times, and I respect that, but, well...

Let's put it this way.

Did you ever read that internet me about the big, bad bikers and their cute little dogs and the kissy noises and whatever? Yeah. I mean, Fate's Awakening has a Medieval style setting so there aren't any motorcycles but, other than that, totally Bane. 

If and when you buy this one, buckle up and be ready for a rough ride. Jones has a tendency to take a hard right turn every once awhile. As soon as you think you've got it all figured out, everything changes. He does a very good job with his foreshadowing that it makes sense though. I really enjoyed that part of the book, just don't expect things to go the way you expect them to go.

I do find Fate's Awakening to be a bit Kratman-esque for those of you who enjoy his work. Young Bane receives an awful lot of training and there is some exposition about why he's learning what he's learning and why he's learning it. I liked that. I mean, we've all seen the tacky eighties movies with the thirty second training montage and no explanation. It serves a purpose but it doesn't fill the audience in on what's happening. There are some training techniques in here that I'm familiar with and some that I'm not. Having the weird stuff explained my brain malfunction less. (I mean, it's never really worked RIGHT...) Don't get me wrong, things don't devolve into a Weber style infodump, but there are times when you will be not be confused when you otherwise may have been. At least if you're paying attention.

I don't want to make it sound like all of Fate's Awakening is training. There is enough action here to keep anyone satisfied. Everything from duels to mass battles fill the pages. I found myself looking forward to the next fight and never quite being sure how it would go. I will say this much though: Fate's Awakening is not a book for those who are offended by graphic violence. That is a group that very specifically does NOT include me, I grew up on Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, but those of you who can't take a wee bit of blood and possibly some falling internal organs are probably better off reading Sweet Valley High or something. My sister used to really like those.

The cast of characters outside of Bane is also amazing. Look for names like Toloff, Grim, Yasminia, Alicia, and others. A couple I don't want to give up. This is a book with a pretty decent sized cast and they all seem to have a place to be and a purpose to serve. People come in quickly at times, but you quickly realize why they're there. I like that. 

With so much going on and so many people to get to know, this book cooks with grease. You're not going to find a minute to put it down. I got lucky (sort of) and got two solid hours to read at work because it was so slow and went through the last two hundred plus pages of Fate's Awakening before I got stuck driving all the way across town for voucher rates. (If you missed it, voucher rates SUCK for the driver) Anyway, I went straight through this thing without pausing. I was engrossed.

The author of Fate's Awakening is a Marine and he gets military style comradery. The laughs the men in the book get are not always the most comfortable to some people, but they're FUNNY and it FITS. Jones also gets the warrior lifestyle. Too many military stories read like they were written by Worf when they should have been written by Kurn. I'm not saying Jones is Kurn but he's a hell of lot closer than some of the authors I've read.

Before I go, I will issue one small warning: The fantastic parts of this story don't appear until late and they aren't as pronounced as some may prefer. I thought that the way they were added was not only appropriate but interesting and vital to the story. I have a feeling that things will get more fantastic as the series goes on, but I can't make any promises. Just don't go into this looking for Harry Potter. The level of magic present is probably closer to the Game of Thrones novel than it is to Willow or Eragon. I can appreciate that. 

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Pells

Destiny of the Realms: Fate's Awakening
K.L. Jones
Self Published, 2022

Destiny of the Realms: Fate's Awakening is available for purchase at the following link. If you click the link and buy literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you.

Thief on King Street: Adventures of Roger V by Alan Isom, Jason McDonald and Melanie McDonald

Listen, I don't ask for much in my entertainment. Just give me an epic story that takes place across two planets, is full of political intrigue, has non-stop action, religious conflict, a crazy amount of tension and a few unbelievably well thought out characters and I'm pretty much okay.  See? Easy peasy! Or not, as the case may be, but that's what the McDonalds and Isom delivered. Seriously, between working sixty hours a week and trying to recover from stomach surgery it took me WAY TOO LONG to read this book but that's my weakness talking and not their stories. Thief on King Street was an experience to treasure.

And great, here come the Fun Police to arrest me for enjoying myself. They've been after me for years. You've got no proof this time! It's an electronic copy! I can delete it while you're pounding up the driveway with the Murderous Miniature Dachsund Marauders! You'll never take me alive, Fun  Police. Who am I kidding? Those guys drink decrappinated coffee. There is NO WAY they'll have the energy to make it up the driveway, even with their hot dogs.

The earlier works of this writing trio have featured the "sister planets" - Gaia, the land of magic where technology is thought of as being weird and Terra - land of technology where magic is rare and feared by most of those who actually believe it exists. Some might be tempted to call this the "Real World" and, for the most part, it is. This set up should seem familiar to readers of the Cayn Trilogy as I'm sure you all are because I reviewed them previously and I know you all read what I tell you to, right?

Or sumfin'...

Thief on King Street is both awesome and kind of strange in how it subverts a trope: This isn't Earthlings venturing in a strange land, it's people from a strange land adventuring on Earth. They've done it well, too. I want to make a comparison to the 1632 Universe, but even that is kind of backwards. I mean, seriously, the reaction of the characters from Gaia to a typically dressed woman in her teens is pretty funny but it also makes an absolute ton of sense if viewed with just a touch of sensitivity to someone from a society which, while it is probably more egalitarian toward women than one would initially assume, is Medieval European in nature. They don't truly grasp modern technology and that makes sense too. I can just imagine trying to dress up a medieval knight to fit in at a hospital. Think about it in context.

The authors also do a good job of including modern magical practices in their work. It seems that there is still SOME magic left in Terra - if one knows where to look for it. That makes sense given the existence of Terrans on Gaia in their earlier, uhh, Later?

I mean, this is a prequel series but that means that the books that are later in the timeline were written first, so they've already happened even though they haven't happened yet. It's a total paradox. HELP! I guess the Fun Police better bring a Time Cop as back-up. 

Seriously though, if Ambrose Battenberg doesn't intrigue you as a character you don't have a pulse. In which case I'm honored, because I've always wanted a member of the undead to read my blog. 

*SIGH*

I'm off topic again.

Listen, Ambrose has a bit of the whiny little girl in her when the story starts. She gets his with a responsibility she never wanted and wasn't prepared for. Inheriting a throne isn't for everyone, especially since she was way down the list and came into her crown by losing several members of her family. Her kingdom is beset by attackers from outside, there are those from within who don't want to see a woman running the country and honestly, she doesn't want to deal with it. The fact that she is the last of her family and there is literally no one else to take over doesn't seem to matter to her.

Honestly, she starts out reminding me a bit of that Bella chick from Twilight (for those that aren't aware, I tried to read the first book after I made a deal with a girl I know: She would read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and I would read Twilight. I give every book a hundred and fifty pages, regardless. I got to one-forty in Twilight, prayed for God to make the next ten pages to go quickly and gave up early. I gave it to my sister and I hear my niece enjoyed it though. I hate Bella.) The thing is that Ambrose has a real character arc where she actually matures and by the end of the story she's exactly the type of woman I would want my daughters to be; Strong, proud, smart, tough, and brave. She turns into the type of leader I would follow anywhere. I love that about her.

There is a lot of a good versus evil in Thief on King Street and I can really appreciate that. Yes, I do believe that both good and evil exist in the real world. I also believe that, to paraphrase someone famous (CS Lewis maybe?) that we need good versus evil in fiction to prepare ourselves mentally to fight the battle in the real world.  The McDonalds and Isom do a good job of that. Their heroes are heroes and the villains are disgustingly villainous. Fantasy is, and always has been, at its best when you have someone to root for and someone to root AGAINST. Call them Sauron. Call them the White Witch. It doesn't matter. Just give me someone I don't want around to boo and I'm good. 

I'm really excited to see where this series goes next. I mean, it's the first in the series and it's not written by George R.R. Martin so we'll see the sequel sometime soon-ish I'm sure. I'll be there when it hits. You should be there, too.

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Poisoned Arrows

Thief on King Street
Alan Isom, Jason McDonald and Melanie McDonald
Parlatheas Press, 2022

Thief on King Street is available for purchase at the following link. Please note that if you click my link and purchase literally anything from Amazon I get a small percentage at no additional cost to you. 

Thief on King Street