Hints for Hollywood

Usually, when I need help with something, I will look at someone nearby and say, "Help your boy out." Their boy being, of course, me. This time, however, I'm going to take a different tack. This is me looking at the writers, producers and businessmen in Hollyweird and saying, "Let your boy help you out." Seriously, I'm going to list a few simple rules below to help these yahoos succeed with all of these reboots, remakes and "you waited how long to release a" sequels so that they'll stop failing. I'm not going to tear anyone's particular product apart. I'll simply ask how often big budget Science Fiction and Fantasy movies have succeeded since Avengers: Endgame hit, and how often they've failed. 

It's not burnout folks. The problem is the industry itself. You have sucked the life out of your own product. Most of these will also apply to totally new universes as well, if the current crop of cowards actually decides to show enough courage to make something that hasn't already been made. I'd actually like to see it, even if that's not the same thing as expecting to.

1.) Make a Quality Product

This should go without saying, but unfortunately, it does not. I've seen to many big budget special effects masterpieces with scripts that feel like they were written by amateurs the last few years. Story is important. Acting is important. When Star Trek: The Original Series was in development, the producers teamed up with the writers to invent the transporter. It was a cost saving measure. Instead of doing expensive stop motion landing sequences every time they came to a planet, they could throw glitter in the air and voila! They were on the planet. What made Trek work was a good story week after week (with the exception of "Spock's Brain." There's no defending that mess.) and not an expensive effects department. A good enough story will make your audience fail to notice that you didn't include tens of millions of dollars of CGI. Seriously. 

Poor writing killed the Fantastic Beasts franchise. Seriously, I just finished watching The Secrets of Dumbledore for the first time. It's the best written of the Fantastic Beasts movie, but that's a lot like saying it was the best idea that Dr. Doofenshmirtz ever had. Poor writing murdered The Flash. That movie had massive potential before it went face first into a wall at near light speed. I could provide more examples but you should get the idea by now.

This is important because...

2.) Fans of the Franchise are Under No Obligation To Support Your Product If It Sucks.

This sounds harsh, I know, but it's true. I placed the trailer for Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire above because I'm a believer in what's coming. Ghostbusters: Afterlife convinced me that the people in charge of the current iteration of the Ghostbusters franchise know what they're doing.  Afterlife was a terrific movie. The plot made sense. The characters were entertaining. We all cared about the outcome. They brought back some fan favorites and gave us new people to care about.  It was amazingly done. I've seen it several times and will watch it again.

Keep this in mind: The fans don't owe you continued success. You owe us. You need us. We're the people who have bought the tickets, watched the TV shows and bought the merchandise. Without us, there's no you. Without you, we'd find something else to spend our time and money on. 

3.)  Leave the Characters That Exist Substantially As You Found Them.

No, this does not mean you can't have a female, black, brown, transexual, gay, bisexual, asexual, whatever else character. It does mean to leave existing characters alone. Seriously. I'm convinced that at least part of what killed the last Star Trek movie was that there were rumors that they were going to give us a gay Sulu. Does that mean Trek fans won't support a product with a gay character? Not at all. Star Trek Discovery has a gay couple and it has a fifth season about to start in a few months. But, and this is the key: They were new characters. Changing a fundamental part of a character to meet your political agenda is an insult to the people who have spent years of their lives and thousands of their dollars supporting the character the way they've always existed. George Takei agrees and he's married to another man.

So, it's simple: 

4.) Include Diverse Character(s) if You Like, But Make New Character(s) to Do So.

This is also known as doing your job. Any good writer can conceive of a new character. Creating characters that the audience cares about is the be-all end-all of a writer. So, if you want a transsexual minority member of the bridge crew in Star Trek make one. If you need a love affair between two male Stormtroopers, just make sure that Finn isn't one of them. If you want a war movie with female soldiers...

Ok, Starship Troopers did that and did it well. It has a cult following and a slew of sequels decades later. So do your thing. We'll pay for it if it's done right.

Well, most of us. There will be some whiners who take their ball and go home. Of course, there will be some whiners who will take their ball and go home if you DON'T include that diverse character. The middle road to attract the most fans (while acknowledging that you'll never make everyone happy) is to follow my advice. You'll offend the least amount of people on both sides and sell the most tickets/draw the highest ratings by doing things my way. And by the way...

5.) Make All of Your Characters Including, But Not Limited to, Diverse Characters Relevant to the Story.

In his book I am Spock, published in 1995, Leonard Nimoy states that he wouldn't do Star Trek: Generations because the Spock character served no purpose in the story. When he decided not to do the movie, Deforest Kelley decided he wouldn't either and that's why Generations was minus two of the most important characters from ST:TOS. This is a valid point. If the character is there, have them do something that matters to the plot. Seriously. 

I've heard a lot of complaints about the Rose Tico character in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Despite claims to the contrary, this is not because no one wanted an Asian in Star Wars. No one had a problem with minority characters before Rose Tico. Lando Calrissian has been a popular character since Empire. The problem is, and always has been, that she added nothing by being there. She was there simply for the color of her skin.

And listen folks, I don't know why minorities would accept this, either. Are you so easily led as to accept the insult give to you when someone includes a character that looks like you and won't find an actual spot for them in the story that matters? I mean, I guess showing a marginalized minority with a marginalized character is somehow reflective of the real world, but why would you not demand better? Seriously, if you believe in stuffing irrelevant characters into stories just to show off their minority-ness without mattering, please explain that to me below because to me demanding that minorities be including as no account characters strikes me as being more racist than not including them at all.

6.) Don't Market Exclusively to a Woke Crowd

I'm also convinced that Donald Glover lost a big chunk of his audience by proclaiming the Lando character as being pansexual. I don't even think it's a problem with pansexual characters for most of the people who refused to see the movie. Here's the thing that a lot of people don't realize: There are many of us out there (and yes, I am including myself here specifically) who see your bragging about the diversity of your characters as admitting that your script sucks. Yes, I did say that.

If you want to sell your product to both sides and maximize profits, you need to spend your time bragging about how good your product is and not how diverse you are. People will pay to see your dark-skinned and/or LGBT characters. Black Panther and Brokeback Mountain both made money. Here's the thing, though: When the people who marketed the movies wrote the advertising they talked about how good the movie was instead of focusing on demographics.

That's not to say that people didn't notice. Black schools took black kids to see Black Panther, but there were plenty of white/Asian/Middle Eastern/etc. people that saw the movie because they expected to enjoy the experience. There is a lesson to be learned here if you are willing to pay attention. 

It's weird too, because I've never heard a woke person complain about a story being too good. They don't seem to be offended by good scripts or good acting. Sell your product based on its quality and not on skin color and genitalia and you'll do much better. You're never going to force a non-woke person to see your movie by screaming something ending in -ist or -phobe if they don't. I can't put it more simply than that.

I'll take this a step further: I'm a Christian. I like Christian movies. I own a couple of Bibles and have given some as gifts. I know, having seen it happen, that there are many other Christians out there who consume Christian entertainment. But here's the thing: There is no way that I would make a blockbuster style Christian movie with a budget comparable to those of the latest few superhero movies. Why? Because I would know that I'm limiting my audience and I wouldn't make my money back. Too much of the population would turn their backs against it because of its Christian message. Touting your wokeness works the same way. You can expect the same results.

And that's really it. Follow those rules and it's bound to get better. If your creators won't follow the rules, get new ones. I can recommend plenty of people who know how to write. I've been publishing reviews for almost nine years now. (Actually about eight years and nine months for you pedantic types.) I can point you in the right direction and I'm willing to do so for a modest finder's fee to be negotiated later.

Well... If Hollywood Can't Get Itself Together...

It has recently come to my attention that Hollywood execs thing that the whole universe is stuck on repeat. We have, after all, seen reboots of just about everything that doesn't still have a reboot coming. Think about it. People keep talking about how it's a great time to be a nerd because of all the movies coming out and how mainstream gaming has gotten ( I'm going to leave gaming for another post, mainly because I've been spending so much time playing World of Warcraft that I haven't played anything else in approximately forever.) but what's really coming out? Think about it:

Star Wars: listen, I'm a fan. I wear the gear. I watch the movies. Before I got so wrapped up in MMOs I played the video games. I've even played the old RPG by West End Games. The fact remains that these movies debuted forty years ago and as much as I loved The Force Awakens it was basically a remake. Star Wars basically started the nerd era with its re-releases, special additions and prequels. There were geek movies before all of that to be sure, but it was the wild success of Star Wars and its later iterations that led to the great times we're enjoying now.

Teenage Mutant Turtles: I am, admittedly a bit of a weird Turtles fan. They came in just as I got to old to collect the toy line, but I've read the comics and seen the movies, and I played a collected the old Palladium RPGs back in the day. I love these guys too, but how did they come out of nowhere again? The first of the new movies was kind of meh, and I don't expect the next one to be any better.

The Telegraph has posted a list of reboots coming soon. The list continues and it's quite frankly getting annoying. Very rarely you can get a reboot that was better than the original (Battlestar Galactica anyone?) but it's definitely not something you can count on. I have however, been informed by a good friend and retired Marine noncom that you should never bring up a problem without a solution. Since I believe in taking advice from intelligent people, and since I've been told that Gunny is never wrong, I have a solution. Are you ready for it? It's revolutionary. It's going to turn the whole world on its head. Here it goes: HEY HOLLYWOOD: MAKE SOME NEW STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Since that was a relatively imprecise suggestion, I will endeavor to make a few examples of books that I have read that would make great movies. Granted, the whole book to movie thing has been done repeatedly but that's because it works, so without further ado, let me get to my list:

Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia: Note to every producer who has ever held a pen or typed a word: If you can't take a story that starts with a big ass accountant throwing his werewolf boss out of a thirteenth story window and continues with battles against vampires, and an ancient curse and make a blockbuster out of it you need to stop trying. Seriously. At that point your probably so inept that you're not sure whether you should retire to bake mittens or knit cookies but it doesn't matter. Just get out of the way and let someone with some talent in. There is a whole series here. I could see this being a TV series ala Game of Thrones, but I'll be honest: I want to see it on the big screen. It'll look cooler when things blow up that way. Also, I want to see who they get to play Julie Shackleford. The only thing better than a hot blonde is a deadly hot blonde. Someone make this happen.

Pixie Noir by Cedar Sanderson: Ok, I'll be honest. Part of the reason I want to see this made it so that I can see a movie with a female protagonist named Bella that doesn't suck. Of course court intrigue, massive monsters and big explosions are why the rest of me wants to see it. Bella gets sucked into a world that she had no reason to suspect existed and things get crazy. This could be massively successful because it would be so much fun. I'd pay to see it and I'm sure a lot of others would too.

Impaler by Kate Paulk: Yes, it's Count Dracula but not as we've ever seen him. This is a story that involves two things no other Dracula story I've ever read or seen does: Vlad's younger days and his family. The real Vlad Dracula was a complicated man and this story reflects it. Also, if there is anything that has been proven by The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings it's that massive medieval combat appeals to modern audiences and there is plenty of it here.


Draw One In the Dark by Sarah Hoyt: Shapeshifting people. Dragons. Diners. Sexual tension. Death. Romance. What else do you want out of a movie? This one is heavy on the paranormal but so is a lot of other stuff and it sell tickets. They're remaking The Craft and Sarah blows that away. Of course, there are only two sequels to this novel published so far but they'd both make great follow ons after this one makes millions and millions.

Dipped, Stripped and Dead by Elise Hyatt: Ok, so this is a mystery and I'm mentioning it on a SF/F blog. Good thing I'm not a purist. Not only is this a great mystery but it has one of the best casts of characters I've ever read. Dyce is the main character and she's a little off but her son Enoch aka "E" is the coolest little kid ever.

Artifice by Lianne Miller: Wow. If you've ever wondered what a modern hospital would do if presented with a vampire read this book. If you want to sell millions of tickets, turn it into a movie. Eliza is not only a great character but her character arc is amazing and the twist and turns in this one will keep an audience enthralled.

Castaway Planet by Ryk Spoor: Robin Crusoe IIIINNNNN SPAAAAACE! 'Nuff said. Honestly, I see this as more of an animated family film but it's one I'd love a chance to take my daughters to see. Disney could rock this thing and I'd love every minute of it.

I'm tempted to add Amy Lynn by Jack July, but there is one scene in particular that would have to be in the film and I don't know if Hollywood has the balls to do it. I mean, I'd love to see it, but umm... yeah. Then again, maybe they would if half of what I've heard about the Game of Thrones TV series is true. (Sorry, I don't have HBO). But regardless, what's better than southern justice and war stories? Both in a single package!

That's just a few but it's my two cents. If any of you have suggestions, I'm open to them. The point here is as much about the fact that there is plenty out there to use and I'd like to see it. I seriously heard a rumor that there may be a Greatest American Hero remake coming and that wasn't even all that good the first time. It's not that hard. Just find an awesome book, fork over a bunch of cash to the author and make a movie out of it. We really don't need remakes and reboots of movies from thirty years ago.

The works suggested above can be purchased at the links below: