How to Make a Story: A Recipe

 

Tools needed: 

Writer (They're usually easy to catch as they tend to be fairly sedentary.)

Sitting Surface (May need to be reinforced, depending on the size of the writer.)

Writing Surface (Usually a table or desk)

Writing Implements (These vary by Writer, but are typically some variation on either pencil/pen and paper or a keyboard)

Ingredients:

Chocolate (must account for individual tastes of the writer.)

Caffeine (writer's favorite type is best)

Music (again, type varies by writer)

Instructions:

First prepare the Sitting and Writing Surfaces by clearing them of everything. This includes the cat, recalcitrant children and expectant fans.

Place the Writing Implements on the now clear Writing Surface.

Place the writer on the Sitting Surface. This some times takes a bit of adjustment. Not all writers sit the same.

Wait? Did the writer forget to feed the cat? Did the child needed that thing for school? Is something good on TV? Did the writer forget to check his Facebook this morning? Is work calling? Does the writer smell chicken frying?

NOOOOOOO! YOU'VE LOST THE WRITER!!

Anti-distractify the writer. How? You're asking the guy who's writing this instead of working on his story? Really?

Hold on! This might work!

Bribe the writer!

Offer the Writer the Chocolate and Caffeine if they will return to their Sitting Surface. You may need more Chocolate and Caffeine if the writer has already consumed what you previously brought.

Slowly and carefully place the Writing Implements on the Writing Surface. Do not spook the Writer! Begin playing the carefully selected Music.

Allow the writer several seconds to vibe to the Music before the words begin to flow. This is crucial. Lack of vibeage will ruin the Story.

When the writer pauses, be patient. Story making requires much braining and sometimes it is necessary to pause while previously lowered caffeine and chocolate levels once again begin to rise.

Add more Chocolate and Caffeine. 

Ignore the swear words. That one part didn't work and the character won't do as they're told. This is Tuesday. It, too shall pass. Nevermind what Gandalf said. He just wanted to keep all the loot.

This is definitely a time to throw caffeine and chocolate from a safe space on the other side of the room.

Ignore the evil cackles: The :!":?"?:":")-"-)")--")-ing character finally got his 💩 together. The Writer fixed his little red wagon. Actually, the Writer probably BROKE his little red wagon, but at least the story can continue.

Note to self: Add Little Red wagon to list of ingredients when editing.

Continue feeding the Writer his Chocolate and Caffeine.

NO, NOT THAT MUCH!!

Now the Writer has to Utilize the Latrine.

Hold the Writer's hand after he emerges (hopefully he washed it) and guide him back to the Sitting Surface and gesture toward the Writing Implements. 

Feed the writer a Salty Snack. Help to soak up some of that caffeine you fed him.

What?

I didn't list Salty Snack on the ingredients list? Why do I have to anticipate everything? You're the one who adopted a writer. Why wouldn't you have a variety of snack foods available? Goofball.

The Writer has reached the denou...

Err..

Dinow...

The good part of the story. Things are almost done. His eyes start to close. His fingers are drooping.

Hit the Writer with a mega dose of Caffeine. With a mighty effort the Writer will now charge forward till the ending of the story. 

When the author sighs, slumps forward and pushes the Writing Implements away and appears faint, the First Draft of the Story has been completed. Congratulate the writer who will now be exhausted and a bit melancholy as the excitement of writing is over for the day. Be sympathetic and, for God's sake DO NOT DARE TO UTTER THE WORD "EDITING."

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