World's Worst Nerd-Core Rap

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Listen folks: I'm not telling you how to live your life. I'm simply advising you to never, ever, for as long as you live and breathe, allow The Fat Kid access to his notepad and pencil in the middle of the night when he's stuck in a parking lot waiting on a ride. It's a bad look.

I mean seriously, at night when TFK starts to fall asleep but fights to stay awake, his mind starts to wander. Things start to fall out of it. You never know what horrifying thing you may experience because you left the paper unguarded. Foolish mortals, you know not the power of that which you contend against!

Gather 'round and I will show you the folly of your negligence. The cost of ignoring the peril will be made obvious to all. You shall feel the wrath of The Fat Kid in ways that will leave your mind blank and shrivel your soul!

Or sumfin'

Listen, this originally came to me as an attempt at a hip hop track. The thing is, I have no access to a beat making program and no ability to sing and make a hook. Come to think of it, I don't really own a mike since I broke my headset two moves ago and that wasn't exactly studio quality anyway. So, like, I dunno. Maybe it's actually a poem instead of a song? Is there really a difference when it comes to hip hop anyway? Seriously?

SIGH

That's a question that's bigger than this blog and probably needs a doctor, a lawyer, two philosophers and a record producer to answer. I'm none of the above. But anyway, without further ado, I proudly present to you.

The World's Worst Nerd-Core Rap

Come and ride with me and I'll take you on a journey
Everywhere we go will be either geeky or nerdy
Watch out for my rhymes, some are clean and some are dirty
And some are crazier than your old-ass great aunt Gerty

Yes my name is Jim but not Kirk from Enterprise
Beam down to the planet and we'll lose the redshirt guys
Mr Spock's intelligent Dr. McCoy is wise
And Sulu never liked the sight of Uhura's thighs

Not Picard or Riker but you'll see me crunching Data
On the Holodeck with Jordi and we'll both be missing lata
Wanna hang with Worf because I'm not a Klingon Hata
You can ask Crusher or Troi, they'll both tell you I can sate ya

Names not Han or Leia, but I can take you Solo
Obi Wan's a force ghost, so let's all stop yelling Yolo
Don't kiss your sister Luke, because you know that shit's a no-no
Kessel Run in twelve parsecs, hey Chewie make it go-go

I'll stab you in the stomach like your name was Qui Gon Jinn
If I catch you fucking whining like that punk ass Anakin
Keep Padme from the fighting with the pregnant shape she's in
Why you gotta hate on Jar Jar guy, that Gungan makes me grin

The story then goes onward with a Pilot name of Poe
And a Stormtrooper named Finn, he left the Dark Side though
Rey heard she was nothing from a villain named Kylo
I'm wondering if he thought Palpatine just wouldn't show

Yes I am a gamer and I should be playing WoW
Headed straight to Stormwind and I'll burn that city down
Not worried about Anduin cause I'll straight up kill that clown
Shut your filthy Ally mouth don't you dare make a sound

Sitting at the Baen panel, not next to Buckley though
Chilling in the back, I'm chanting Oh, John Ringo, No
Gonna launch some missiles, maybe a Weber or so
Won't tell that Correia guy that he can take my dough.

God I love that Baen stuff so I'll give them one more rhyme
Went on a trip with Mad Mike and he took me back in time
Don't trust a Hoyt named Sarah with your emotions or the lime
Bolshi-berries, Transi-trees, Tom Kratman's book is mine!

Aim to misbehave like my name was Captain Mal
You can take Inarra, I'd rather have that Kaley gal
River rewrote scripture and she made the Shepherd howl
Run your spears straight through the Wash, and Zoe's crying now

Watching me casting spells like one of the Hogwarts three
Then I'll chill with Snape and we'll do some alchemy
You can be my Hagrid, I'll let you work for me
While I'm hanging out with Albus and we're watching memories

You can call me Bilbo when I write my song and sing
Pulling out my blue sword, all you fanbois call it Sting
Running away from Gollum so he can't steal my ring
Need a magic spell right now, but Gandalf  can't cast a thing

Taking a walk to Mordor with my boys Frodo and Sam
With some help with Aragorn, getting us out of a jam
Boromir just died, sacrificed like beans and lamb
Watch for Sauron's eye, it zooms out like a webcam

I'm a man made out of iron like my name was Tony Stark
Got stalked by the Black Widow, she ambushed me after dark
Banner got real ticked off, wrecked all of Central Park
Steve Rogers is lost in time, but his mind's still got the spark

Couldn't watch the movie about a Clark whose last name's Kent
Batman's even worse, sorry about your money spent
Green Lantern was so terrible, it was surely devil-sent
Wonder Woman is the only DC flick that's worth a single cent

See me act like Garibaldi, find out where you have been
Give orders like Ivanova, listen or I'll do you in
Here come G'kar and Londo, while they fight or maybe grin?
Don't mess with all the crazy stuff, like that goofball Doc Franklin

A dungeon or a dragon which would better fit your taste?
A backstab in the dark or a waraxe to the face
Or maybe I could take drop you. my cleric straight wields a mace
Have a wizard cast invisible, disappear without a trace

Gather up around, I'll say my Final Fantasy
I'd like to say your awesome cause you hung in there with me
Big sword like ol' Cloud and I made the birdies breed
Get aboard the airship, Story's over, gotta flee

The Best Deaths in Science Fiction and Fantasy

(This whole post is full of spoilers.
You have been warned.

Now I know I did a post about being severely depressed awhile back, but nobody worry. This was triggered by a Facebook group that I'm in. (It's called Hogwart's Pensieve and if you love Harry Potter, goofy little fun activities and trying to win the House Cup you should join. I won't tell you what house I'm in because we're not supposed to recruit for specific houses, but if you join you'll see me there.) So know, I'm not like backsliding or anything however...

I've read a lot of books over the years. Most I enjoyed. Some I didn't. One I threw across the room and then gave to my sister who passed it on to my niece. (Why do people like Stephanie Meyer again?) I've noticed over time that there are many things that an author can throw into a story that have a big emotional impact: triumphs, defeats, first love, weddings, births, etc. But the one I want to talk about today is death. (Yes, that's why I wrote that first paragraph.)

In the Pensieve one of the Saturday activities was to write the death of one of the characters that passed at the Battle of Hogwarts (we had a few choices of which one) and I chose Fred, because out of all the deaths I've read, it hit me harder than any other, save one: That of Sturm Brightblade in The Dragonlance Chronicles. It got me to thinking though: There are a lot of deaths in a lot of books and a lot of shows/movies (and if we're counting movies we have to include the death of Spock in The Wrath of Khan) but there are few that really hit me the way those two did. So I set about trying to figure out why.

The death of Dumbledore sucked, but it was expected. His hand was rotting off and he was as old as the hills. Also, if you've ever studied story-telling in general you know that the mentor always gets it in the neck. Dumbledore was statistically overdue for an Avada Kedavra to the face. Falling from the tower has always seemed to me to be a bit extreme, but at the end of the day, it worked.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's death was kind of wasted. It could have been so much more if he had been around longer. Ditto the death of Yoda. Really, the only death in all of Star Wars that affected me was the death of Luke, and I'm not supposed to admit that out loud because I'm the only person who liked that movie. (Or at least it seems like it.)

Star Trek didn't lose many main big characters over the years, and no, redshirts don't count. Three come to mind. Trip (in the last episode), Jadzia Dax (in the last season) and Tasha Yar (in the first season). I may very well be missing someone. But the fact remains that Trip's death occurred too close to the end to really have the impact it should have, Tasha's death was almost pointless and happened due primarily to real world concerns (she hated the show) and Jadzia's...

Well, okay that one hurt. I loved the wedding with her and Worf. She was played by an awesome actress and she was a wonderful and valiant person. Then they brought Dax back as Ezri and... Uhhh..

What?

Yeah, I know, Trill, symbiote, whatever.

She was gone, but she wasn't but she was. And the slug that lived in her stomach got to continue. That one was so confusing it almost doesn't count as a death and yet it does, because the Jadzia half of the personality was gone.

Don't get me started on Firefly. Wash got hosed. Why they thought they needed to kill him off under those circumstances is beyond me. Whatever. I have Reavers. You hate Reavers. Even the Shepherd hates Reavers. But still that never should have happened when it did.

And of course there hasn't been a comic book death that mattered since the 90s. Yeah, so Hero A died and he took Hero B with him. Oh well, they'll both be back in six months. I get that the Death of Superman sold so well and so did his comeback but at some point you'd think they'd realize that it doesn't work anymore.

Uhh...

Sorry, you can have your soapbox back. I'm done using it.

And listen, if you're a fan of the Battletech novels and approve of what they did to Grayson Carlyle, you're not really a human being. I get the fact that they needed to kill him for the story to go forward, but dude. Really? REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THE MAN WAS THE WARRIOR'S WARRIOR AND HE DIED IN A HOSPITAL BED OF CANCER? ARE PRETEND BULLETS THAT EXPENSIVE!?!??!?! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

*SIGH*

Sorry. Carlyle was a personal favorite and he Really. Got. Hosed. I mean, I get the fact that George Patton (all private slapping and bad quote making aside) was the best general the US had in World War II and he got done in by a car accident. That was real life. Can my story-books please have story-book deaths for the big-timers? Please?

A well done death can stay with you forever though and it makes the story SOO much better. Seriously. Think about it this way:

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan was released in 1982, and nearly forty years later (am I really that old?) it's still remembered by most Trek fans as the best Trek movie EV-AR! And there was a lot of action and some ugly bugs. There was an evil villain. Khan and his dreams of a Master Race were very Nazi-esque. There were good heroes: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, etc. I'm not denying any of that. Despite all of that what do most people remember about that movie? One scream and a speech. Let's not pretend that “KHAAAAAANNNNN!!!!” was anything other than classic Shatner. We love it because it's the actor that we love being the character that we love.

But what do people remember just as much? They remember Spock on his knees, his face covered with red splotches saying, “I have been, and always shall be, your friend.” The emotional impression, the lasting image, is of a great man breathing his last on the engineering deck while saving all of his friends. Now, we all know that he came back in Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, but think about this: Which film is remembered as the better one? Who talks about when they actually found Spock? Wasn't that the whole point of the film?

I don't know how many of you have read the Dragonlance Chronicles, but if you have you remember the death of Sturm Brightblade, once dishonored, admitted to the knighthood on someone else's honor, not allowed to wear his father's armor and yet elected as the leader of the Knights of the Crown. When the Knights of the Sword and of the Rose had gone off to get themselves massacred, he had split the knighthood in an attempt to accomplish his mission while saving his men. When his men needed time, he went to the battlements and faced a dragon alone armed with nothing but a spear. Needless to say, he lost. Yet, his death ignited the Knights and made them heroes again. And it just so fit Sturm so well. He lived for the day when the knighthood would embrace him and the people would embrace the knights. He loved Huma and wanted to be everything Huma was. He achieved all of that. It was perfect. This one hurt to read, but without his sacrifice that whole trilogy doesn't work. If Hollywood ever gets off its hindquarters and decides to make good movies again, they need to make the Dragonlance Chronicles, either as live action or a cartoon. (And yes, I'm aware that Dragons of Autumn Twilight was made as an animated film. I haven't seen it, but I've heard bad things. I want a GOOD Dragonlance conversion.) This was one of two deaths in all of the literature that I've ever consumed that made me put the book down and back away for a second.

Est Solarus Oth Mithas, Sturm. You died like a man.

But the death that really got me thinking about writing this whole godforsaken mess was the Death of Fred Weasley in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The death was one I never saw coming and it was a straight-up kick in the teeth, but it's one I hadn't dwelled on much. Fred's was the other death that made me put the book down and walk away and I went two nights straight without sleep when I had to work the next two mornings because I couldn't wait to get to the end. I was that fascinated. It's just that so many characters went down in that last fight. It was like reading Military SF for a bit there but that makes sense because the characters were at war.

But what got me back into thinking about it was my time in the aforementioned Hogwarts Pensieve. Every term we have a set of daily themes that changes. Last term Tuesday's theme was Twin Tuesday. I logged on that day excited. I've always loved the twins because of their genius (and let's face it, they invented an entire shop full of gags and jokes) and their sense of humor. The staff encourages everyone to post something about each days theme and they award House Points to everyone who does so. I logged on expecting to see a bunch of one-liners and pranks.

What I got was a bunch of “Poor George lost his brother.” I was a bit put off for a second, but the I realized that everyone who had posted something about that was right. Not only that, but I remembered when I had read it. Fred dying while fighting along his brothers Percy and Ron as well as Harry and She Who Would Be Sister-In-Law was unexpected, abrupt, unfair and shocking. In short, it captured the feeling of losing someone you love quickly really well and I can speak from experience. My father drowned in a boating accident. I had plans with him the next day. The feeling for a literary character wasn't as intense as losing my father was, but it was similar. In a way, I've always kind of felt jealous of Ron and Percy because they got to be there at the end where I didn't.

I write fiction, although I have a problem finishing things. I have a tendency to see another idea and be like “Ooh, shiny.” I honestly hope that one day I can put together something as intense as the death of Fred or the perfection of the death of Sturm. I don't know how they did it, but it all worked out.

If you've got a favorite/most hated character death leave it in the comments. I'm always looking for a new perspective or something new to check out.

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