The Janitor Must Die by John Fulton

(Author's Note: Due to the fact that I'm reviewing a book by John Fulton, I currently have a Jonathan Coulton song stuck in my head. If this post gets too zany, blame them.)

The janitor must die. That guy has got to go. There can be no sparing him. We got to get 'im, got-got to get 'im. (Oops. That's an old Tribe Called Quest song. Sorry. Sometimes I confuse janitors with wallets. Don't we all?) I mean, Josh is a pretty decent guy but he's got it coming. I think. Right? There sure are enough things out to get him that it doesn't look good. Who is after him? The stuff in the book. You do know this is a book, right? Are you paying attention? You're sure? Riiiight. Anyway...

Listen, my cousin Josh was a janitor and he never had a day like this Josh does. Things go from frustrating to bad to worse to... Well, I don't wanna spoil anything. Let's just say that out there somewhere there is a person who got into a car wreck and had a day ten thousand times better than the day that Josh has had. Seriously.

Part of the problem of reviewing The Janitor Must Die by John Fulton is that I don't like to include spoilers. At the beginning of the book Josh, our hero and janitor extraordinaire (or maybe averagedaire) has no idea how badly things are going to go that day or how his whole world is going to get turned upside down. I don't want to give up too much here.

What I will say is this: If you are

A.) a janitor

and

B.) You forget your wallet on the way to work and can't buy breakfast

just turn around and take yourself back home. Preferably at maximum warp.

Oops. That was a Star Trek reference and this isn't a space novel.

*SIGH*

Listen, I warned you that this was going to be a weird one, okay?

And really, warp speed may be a massive understatement of how quickly I'd run away if I knew my workplace was going to end up like THAT. Seriously. Either you agree with me or you haven't read the book. Thankfully, there is an easy fix for this problem: Read the book and agree with me. See! Piece of chicken. (Oh God, none of you got that one.)

Part of the problem here, if we're being honest as that as good as The Janitor Must Die is (and it is a damn good book) it is kind of an interesting combination. It's kind of a big mass of "HOLY SHIT!" mixed with a bit of "What the FUCK?" crossed with just a little "Wait, what?" The thing is that there really aren't a whole lot of major plot twists. Josh really had no clue what was going on around him until things got crazy. And they go from zero to Joker levels of insanity in less time than it takes to talk about it. He's learning about the world around him as he goes and so are we. It's a bumpy ride for all involved. Some things don't fit at first.

This is a good thing as there is a lot in this first book (there is a note about sequels at the end but no time table given except "soon") and it's either a clueless main character or a series of info dumps. Fulton made the right choice here. This thing moves. The Janitor Must Die is a story that lives, breathes, and creeps. (Wow, the Oxford comma really does work.)  I have a vision of Fulton sitting at his computer with his word processor on and his hands extended from him as living words fly from his fingers and onto the screen, arranging themselves into an awesome book...

That sounds like fun. Maybe he'll show me how to do that. Seriously, because I'm all in. How cool would that be? Wiggle, wiggle, woosh, story. Done. Awesome.

It's actually a really good thing that there is a sequel or six million coming. There are a lot of things that seem to fit but  aren't completely explained. I'm hoping that further reading will elucidate certain aspects of an occasionally opaque tome which, while thoroughly delightful, is, at times, moderately insufficient in backstory. (Sorry, I thought this goofy post needed a super serious moment. Did it work?)

All trash talk aside though, it would be nice to see a little more of what motivates certain characters in future books. I'm not naming names, but the actions of certain characters would make a bit more sense of why they're doing what they're doing. I'm not calling for endless pages of exposition and long soliloquies to long lost lovers. I don't need to see a musical production describing the existence of  some classified government agency. Actually, The Janitor Must Die is probably better off without the screeching pimple-faced teenagers (UGH. High school memories) but I'd like to see maybe a flashback or two at some point in the future.

I'm really thinking of a couple of characters in particular here. I don't want to name names or give details because that would be very spoiler-y and I'm not trying to be like the peaches in your grandma's cobbler. Let's just say there are some very loose ends a possibly a very deep mystery or two that could use some light shed on them. Like about three very large star's worth.

That's not to say that The Janitor Must Die is a bad book because it's a very good one. At the end of the day, I'm left wanting more, and that's a good thing. Trust me. I tried to read Twilight once. After a hundred and forty pages I didn't want - as in couldn't take - anymore. This is not that book. I just wish there would have been a bit more here. I guess I'll have to read the sequels to find out more. I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to it.

But for now, I'm off on a mission. Granted, I've had breakfast, lunch and dinner today, but I'm going to go eat breakfast again. Twice. Just to make sure. And I'm taking my wallet with me when I leave too.

Bottom Line: 4.75 out of 5 Shotgun Shells

The Janitor Must Die
John Fulton
Full Ton Press, 2018


The Janitor Must Die is available for purchase at the following link: