World's Worst Nerd-Core Rap

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Listen folks: I'm not telling you how to live your life. I'm simply advising you to never, ever, for as long as you live and breathe, allow The Fat Kid access to his notepad and pencil in the middle of the night when he's stuck in a parking lot waiting on a ride. It's a bad look.

I mean seriously, at night when TFK starts to fall asleep but fights to stay awake, his mind starts to wander. Things start to fall out of it. You never know what horrifying thing you may experience because you left the paper unguarded. Foolish mortals, you know not the power of that which you contend against!

Gather 'round and I will show you the folly of your negligence. The cost of ignoring the peril will be made obvious to all. You shall feel the wrath of The Fat Kid in ways that will leave your mind blank and shrivel your soul!

Or sumfin'

Listen, this originally came to me as an attempt at a hip hop track. The thing is, I have no access to a beat making program and no ability to sing and make a hook. Come to think of it, I don't really own a mike since I broke my headset two moves ago and that wasn't exactly studio quality anyway. So, like, I dunno. Maybe it's actually a poem instead of a song? Is there really a difference when it comes to hip hop anyway? Seriously?

SIGH

That's a question that's bigger than this blog and probably needs a doctor, a lawyer, two philosophers and a record producer to answer. I'm none of the above. But anyway, without further ado, I proudly present to you.

The World's Worst Nerd-Core Rap

Come and ride with me and I'll take you on a journey
Everywhere we go will be either geeky or nerdy
Watch out for my rhymes, some are clean and some are dirty
And some are crazier than your old-ass great aunt Gerty

Yes my name is Jim but not Kirk from Enterprise
Beam down to the planet and we'll lose the redshirt guys
Mr Spock's intelligent Dr. McCoy is wise
And Sulu never liked the sight of Uhura's thighs

Not Picard or Riker but you'll see me crunching Data
On the Holodeck with Jordi and we'll both be missing lata
Wanna hang with Worf because I'm not a Klingon Hata
You can ask Crusher or Troi, they'll both tell you I can sate ya

Names not Han or Leia, but I can take you Solo
Obi Wan's a force ghost, so let's all stop yelling Yolo
Don't kiss your sister Luke, because you know that shit's a no-no
Kessel Run in twelve parsecs, hey Chewie make it go-go

I'll stab you in the stomach like your name was Qui Gon Jinn
If I catch you fucking whining like that punk ass Anakin
Keep Padme from the fighting with the pregnant shape she's in
Why you gotta hate on Jar Jar guy, that Gungan makes me grin

The story then goes onward with a Pilot name of Poe
And a Stormtrooper named Finn, he left the Dark Side though
Rey heard she was nothing from a villain named Kylo
I'm wondering if he thought Palpatine just wouldn't show

Yes I am a gamer and I should be playing WoW
Headed straight to Stormwind and I'll burn that city down
Not worried about Anduin cause I'll straight up kill that clown
Shut your filthy Ally mouth don't you dare make a sound

Sitting at the Baen panel, not next to Buckley though
Chilling in the back, I'm chanting Oh, John Ringo, No
Gonna launch some missiles, maybe a Weber or so
Won't tell that Correia guy that he can take my dough.

God I love that Baen stuff so I'll give them one more rhyme
Went on a trip with Mad Mike and he took me back in time
Don't trust a Hoyt named Sarah with your emotions or the lime
Bolshi-berries, Transi-trees, Tom Kratman's book is mine!

Aim to misbehave like my name was Captain Mal
You can take Inarra, I'd rather have that Kaley gal
River rewrote scripture and she made the Shepherd howl
Run your spears straight through the Wash, and Zoe's crying now

Watching me casting spells like one of the Hogwarts three
Then I'll chill with Snape and we'll do some alchemy
You can be my Hagrid, I'll let you work for me
While I'm hanging out with Albus and we're watching memories

You can call me Bilbo when I write my song and sing
Pulling out my blue sword, all you fanbois call it Sting
Running away from Gollum so he can't steal my ring
Need a magic spell right now, but Gandalf  can't cast a thing

Taking a walk to Mordor with my boys Frodo and Sam
With some help with Aragorn, getting us out of a jam
Boromir just died, sacrificed like beans and lamb
Watch for Sauron's eye, it zooms out like a webcam

I'm a man made out of iron like my name was Tony Stark
Got stalked by the Black Widow, she ambushed me after dark
Banner got real ticked off, wrecked all of Central Park
Steve Rogers is lost in time, but his mind's still got the spark

Couldn't watch the movie about a Clark whose last name's Kent
Batman's even worse, sorry about your money spent
Green Lantern was so terrible, it was surely devil-sent
Wonder Woman is the only DC flick that's worth a single cent

See me act like Garibaldi, find out where you have been
Give orders like Ivanova, listen or I'll do you in
Here come G'kar and Londo, while they fight or maybe grin?
Don't mess with all the crazy stuff, like that goofball Doc Franklin

A dungeon or a dragon which would better fit your taste?
A backstab in the dark or a waraxe to the face
Or maybe I could take drop you. my cleric straight wields a mace
Have a wizard cast invisible, disappear without a trace

Gather up around, I'll say my Final Fantasy
I'd like to say your awesome cause you hung in there with me
Big sword like ol' Cloud and I made the birdies breed
Get aboard the airship, Story's over, gotta flee