Monday, May 23, 2016

The Color Chart

Listen. Don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. I mean yes, I wrote it and yeah, I'm responsible for it.Still, at the end of the day, I wasn't given a choice. This is a rant that's been building for years and it has nothing to do with Science Fiction or Fantasy but I needed a space to vent. It's my bloggie and I'll post if I want to. (You would post too if it happened to you. Bu duh duh dunt dunt. Or sumfin') I mean really. So let's work this out, shall we?

Ladies, (and gentlemen who agree with them if there are any) I hate to break it to you but there are only like somewhere in the neighborhood of ten colors that exist. No, that doesn't mean that I'm colorblind. I've been tested for colorblindess. I got thirty-nine out of forty colors marked right and the other one I got marked down on because I squinted. I'm still bitter about it too. The lady even confirmed that it was the number six. I suppose I'll get over it eventually. It's only been twenty-two years but these things take time. That's not the point though. Here is the point:

Red is a color. Brick is not a color. It is a building material. Fire engine is not a color. It is a vehicle that carries comes to keep your house from burning down. Rose is not a color. It is a plant. I've always found that one weird since apparently anyone who would refer to "rose" as a color IS colorblind. There are, after all, red, pink, white, orange and yellow roses that I know of. There may very well be more, but I have hay fever and I try not to study anything that exudes pollen too closely.

For your further edification, I will list other things that are not colors:

Pumpkin is not a color. It is an orange fruit.
Tomato is not a color. It is a red fruit.
Puce is not a color. It is a bodily function best performed into a toilet or urinal.
Egg shell is not a color. It is God's way of making me work for my breakfast.
Ivory is not a color. It is a substance that people used to make jewelry before it became illegal.
Mauve is not a color. It is properly spelled "Maude" and is an old TV show.
Burnt is not a color. It is what happened to my toast last night when the toaster button jammed.
Gold is not a color. It is a metal. It is also a medal. Someone out there didn't get that. Please try to keep up.
Crimson is not a color. That is a word made up by that school in Ohio. If you like Crimson you are pathetic and probably also a criminal, especially if you like Gray with it. (More on Gray below.)
Strawberry is also not a color, but if you have any feel free to bring them by because they sound really good right now.

So, having discussed what is NOT a color, what is a color? Allow me to elucidate:

Black is a color. I like the color black. I look good in it because it is slimming. It is the color of empty space. It is an awesome color.

Blue is a color. The Detroit Lions wear blue. The Michigan Wolverines wear blue. The North Carolina Tarheels wear blue.No, none of those blues look the same but they are all equally blue. Blue is my favorite color. If you are a woman and you want to Jimbo to think you look good wear blue. Then again, there are other colors women look good in as well. If you don't care if Jimbo thinks you look good you can still look good. Or you can wear something else. Dammit, I'm off topic again. At any rate...

Orange is a color. Put orange lettering on a blue background and you get the uniforms of the Detroit Tigers. Orange is also the color that hunters wear so that it sticks out in a woodland background. Orange is a really cool color.

White is a color. Don't give me that crap about "It's not a color. It's a shade." Shade is something that happens when light gets blocked. White is the predominant color of most away uniforms. It is an important color. Which team is the home team is a very important thing to determine when you end up watching a game you weren't planning to.

Yellow is a color. The sun is yellow. Yellow therefore sucks because it causes sunburn.

Green is a color. It is the color of sickness, decay and Michigan State Spartans. It should be shat upon whenever possible.

Brown is a color. It is the color that comes to mind whenever someone says "green." See the reasoning for such under green.

Gray is a color. Many of my favorite shirts are gray. I like gray.

Pink is a color. I wore pink when I walked the Three Day. Pink is the color of survival. I'm not going to be able to do the Three Day this year, but maybe next year I'll wear some pink again.

Purple is a color. My daughter Riley likes the color purple. It is also the color of annoying dinosaurs. Put bluntly, I'm not sure if those two facts are related or not.

Ok, so I was wrong. There are eleven colors. That is really all there are. There is no need to pretend that there are more. There is no reason to tell some poor, unsuspecting man that something is ivory when he can see it is clearly white. No, you don't have an aquamarine dress. You have a dress that should be blue but has contracted some dress disease and is slowly turning green. You should probably discard said dress and get a real blue dress that you will look good in.

To all the ladies who have read this far, I would like to say congratulations on educating yourself and simplifying your life and mine. To all the gentleman who have read this far I would like to say that yes, you were always right and I am here to support you in your time of need. Now, regardless of which category you fit in, go forth and be awesome!

Some color and sports related items are available at the link below:

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