Thursday, April 21, 2016

Hey 2016, I've Got Two Words for Ya!

Ok 2016, we need to have a talk. Granted, I'm a George RR Martin fan but this shit is ridiculous. Seriously. This is a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat, it's for you. Check it out:

Now, take that thing and shove it up your ass while rotating it slowly to the right. Seriously. I'm not just a little pissed here 2016. This is freaking war. Do you know who we lost today? 

This Guy

And This Girl

I gotta be honest with you 2016. I'm a little pissed off right now. By which I mean, "Fuck you you fucking asshole year. You can take your bullshit and go straight to Hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. I hope you get impaled on a stake." Do you know what that looks like 2016? Let me show you:

Quite frankly 2016, this is a fate far too good for you. Now, I will grant you that dangling ten feet off of the ground with stick shoved up your ass would be a bad enough punishment for most transgressions. Let's face it though 2016: You're not a garden variety asshole. You're just not. I mean, honestly I've had some bad years. I really have. But you have taken so damn much not just from me, but from the world. If it was just me that would be one thing. I'm a big boy but DAMMIT 2016. What the fuck is your problem here?

Listen 2016, I'm not saying you're a dirty whore. I'm just saying you've fucked more people than Mary Jane Rottencrotch. It's time to calm this shit down. Like way down. Like moved my finger off a map in northern Canada and and it landed in Antarctica down. I guess, even if was just these two today I could get over it. I mean, we all loved Chyna. Christ, my ex-wife got me to watch a season of The Surreal Life simply because she was on it. (I can't believe I just admitted that in public.) Prince was a freaking legend that everyone loved. I even wrote a little ditty on my Facebook page today for him. Taking both on the same day was simply cruel and unusual but that's not what makes you a bad year. And oh yes, 2016 I do mean that you are a bad year. Let's examine some of the other people you took this year:

Alan Rickman. Allen FREAKING Rickman. Severus Snape. Yeah, he did some other stuff but the Harry Potter series is what he's best known for. Not only did you kick me in the teeth (and oh, how I loved to hate that character) but there are a bunch of depressed twenty-somethings out there who have never had this happen to one of their idols out there and now they don't know how to react. It's not fair! He wasn't old enough for this and neither were they.

Listen 2016. If you're looking for proof that this isn't personal it's in that picture. That picture is of Harper God-damned Lee and her book, To Kill a Mockingbird. If ever I hated a book, it was TKAM. If ever I hated a movie it was TKAM. That much being said, that's Harper Lee. That woman has sold more books than damn near anybody. You took her from us. That's just sick, twisted and wrong. 

That's Gary Shandling. Comedian extraordinaire. And if you're looking for proof that this IS personal look at that picture. Gary Shandling was the first dirty comedian I could watch in front of my parents. I remember him showing up on screen wearing a black dot over his junk and me almost falling out of my chair laughing. My dad was dying too. My mom got so pissed at him for laughing in front of me that she damn near slugged him. I'm sitting her laughing at the memory typing this. The thing is, it's not JUST about me here either. Millions of people watched The Gary Shandling Show. I can't imagine that any of them are happy about this.

That's Dan Haggerty AKA Grizzly Adams. How many people wanted to be this guy? He was a mountain man before The History Channel debuted Mountain Men. Seriously. He was one of my dad's favorites, probably because of that beard. That's sheer awesome growing out of his face. Or at least it was. Now it's not growing anymore and it's all your fault.
This is the one I hold against you the most 2016. That's Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. He's probably the only Supreme Court Justice to read the Constitution in the last thirty years. You haven't just pissed me off, you've potentially screwed the entire country. Granted, he was seventy nine years old when he passed. He probably didn't have a whole lot left in the tank. That's beside the point. If the freaking RINOs in the Senate confirm an Obama nominated candidate the republic is over and I'm blaming it on you. Oh, and while we're talking politics...
That's Nancy Reagan. She was one of the finest women ever to own the title of First Lady of the United States. She encouraged kids to "Just Say No to Drugs." She never tried to legislate. She never whined about how she wasn't paid by a country that in actuality was not employing her. This woman had class. In this case though, 2016, I'll meet you halfway. You're only a minor asshole for this one. Nancy deserves a chance to be back together with her Ronnie and she really didn't deserve to suffer with what's potentially coming after  the loss of Scalia. 

Ok, so a lot of people won't recognize this photo but I bet they'll recognize these two:

Yep fucker. You took the voice of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. There have been generations of kids that grew up listening to these two. I remember watching them when I was a kid and talking to my parents about how they had watched them as kids and watching them with my kids. 2016, you are a FUCKING DICK. There's no other way to put it. You are a straight up ass.

Listen, I'm just get started but I think I've made my point. We lost Glen Frey. We lost George Gaynes (UNCLE FREAKING HENRY!!!) We lost Abe Vigoda. Merle Haggard, Maurice White, David Bowie, Jim Harrison, Ray Tomlinson (the guy who invented EMAIL!!!!)  "Iron" Mike Sharp, the list goes on. Oh, and by the way, 2016, I've got those two words for ya. Ready?

Some really awesome stuff by some of the people above is for sale at the links below:

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